May I Have This Dance…With You.

I woke in a panic tonight wanting to find my old blog still here…all of the tears, all of the heartache, all of the effort…I needed to find it still here.  I needed to see the words that bore my new beginning.  I needed to know that it was not all in vain…that lessons were learned, that evolution was present.

That change was on the horizon.

To my disappointment…it is gone.

There was one post in particular that stood out to me, and I wanted it back…I poured my soul into those words, and now they are gone forever, never to be recreated or duplicated…only an excerpt remains:

Erykah Badu is now crooning in the background…”I’m an Orange Moon…reflecting the light of the sun.” I think of last night’s conversation with Intel, but the beginning of tonight’s is what has affected me. A new friend of mine….”his light was too bright so they turned away and he stood alone, every night and every day. Then he turned to me…he saw his reflection in me and he smiled at me…when he turned to me then he said to me…”

Intel: I know the feeling. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it.
Me: tell me about it…sometimes you just want to give up.
Intel: yeah…I had to make that decision today since once it was over she would go her way and I would go mine…i mean nothing will come from it, so why bother.
Me: don’t i know the feeling…

Shuffle.

——————————–

That is all that is left of my bleeding heart.  I wrote that post while listening to my Ipod on Shuffle…and now my life seems to be following suit.

On constant Shuffle.

Erykah crooning once again in the background….”And when I look in your eyes and know that you were meant to be my soldier…baby come on and be my soldier, I need you desperately…I’m in love with you, in love with you…And I tried”

Boy did I ever.

I have been trying for as long as I can remember.

When will it no longer be my burden to bare?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?

Next.

“Bag lady you gon hurt your back…dragging all those bags like that.  I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to is you…is you…is you.  One day all dem bags gon get in your way”  The weight of my past is heavy on my back, heavy on my heart and heavy on my soul.  “…so pack light”   And how do you suppose I do that?  How do you suppose I forget everything I’ve been through and remove it from my heart.  How do I move on without the baggage that I’ve shouldered long enough for it to feel like a limb, an extension of my being, a shelter for the disappointment, a harborer of hurt. “Bag lady…let it go, let it go, let it go.”  I’m trying.

Skip.

“My eyes are green cause I eat alot of vegetables…it don’t have nothing to do with your new friend.”  He once said to me, that he saw something in her that he honestly never saw in me.  And in the same breath he says that he loves me.  He leaves, he comes back, he declares his love again.  This time it will be different.  This time he’ll make it right.  I am his rock and he needs me.  “I don’t care, I swear…I’m too through with you…I am, you don’t mean nothing to me, so go ahead and be with your friend”  But I’m his rock and he needs me.  “I’m insecure but I can’t help it…my mind says move on, but my heart… “  My heart won’t let go.

Shuffle.

A sweet gentle voice enters my soul, “love ones left me cold and grey…I had almost reached heaven just to feel it slip away.”   And it hurts, it burns, it aches and it WILL NOT STOP.  Just as I think I am healed, that I am ready to forge forward, to start my life anew…I am pulled back in, “I wanna be loved…faithful and true, I wanna be loved…ten billion lifetimes with you…and after all I’ve been through.”  Can my heart take another chance on you?  Should my heart give into the desire.  When I see my future you are in it…”so put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight…so that we may find love.”  You are undeserving of my desires, you consume my thoughts with the vacancy of your intentions.

Skip.

Repeat.

Shuffle.

Next.

Repeat.

Shuffle.

Next.

My life in constant motion.

Skip.

A hummingbird enters the room and covers my confusion, “Tried for so long…to hold on, but you won’t belong, to anyone, anything, any love at all.”  I gave everything I had in me, I did everything I was supposed to…and you pushed me at every turn “but I tried to stick you by you.”  I have moved on, I can not make you come to me, to your home, to your family.  I’ve done that I can do “you had the greatest love of your life, but you didn’t treat it right.”  I tried for so long, it is no longer my burden to bare.

Next.

Chopped and Screwed to perfection…our lives intertwine in a rhythmless motion.

“Can we wait just a minute, slow it down for a minute now baby.” And then he enters into my life.  Free, beautiful, he is love.  He is all things love.  When he looks into my eyes I see his adoration, I see his hesitation, but he marches on because he is me and I am love and together we are…simply beautiful.  “I propose that we go to the floor, and we slow dance.”  Because I want this to be right.  I need for this one to be done right.  The rhythm of our hearts need to be in sync for our dance to be sweet.  His touch, his laugh, his heart…”I love it, I love it, I love it…when we’re slow dancing together.”

Take my hand and slow dance with me baby.

I choose you.

Perspective:Please Read Carefully

A lot of you all are aware from my previous blog as well as the first few posts on this one of the on again off again relationship with BD.

Well today I reached a kind of serene breaking point.  After several conversations I’ve had with a couple of my male friends and the issues they are encoutering with their baby mamas, I began to get angry at how much I’ve bent over backwards for a man who cares nothing about the well being of his child.

But even in the midst of that anger, I didn’t react.  After all, we have been trying to work through it and keep Lexi’s stability at the forefront.

Until today.

As previously discussed I closed the child support case so that he could be a father on his own will and volition…but this was under the pretense that he actually wanted to be a good father on his own.

Friday he didn’t send his weekly child support payment, but it’s no biggie…the weekend is coming up and he’ll get to it on Sunday right.  He knows that our daughter’s gymnastic’s camp fees are due…so of course he will come through.  He’s been doing so well…well moderately well over the last month.

Also her registration fees from the new private school are due since her old school filled up before we could register her.  This saved him a lot of money that he owed on his portion of her school fees…so surely he’ll be willing to pay the $200 reg fee for the new school since he got out of a $800 debt at the old one.

I call him this morning.

No answer.

I call him this afternoon.

No answer.

I send him a text asking him to call me, and he responds:

BD: Just text me how $ u need from me between now and the time school starts for Lexi with deadlines included.

Me: wtf, r u kidding me? Please don’t do this…please don’t insult me like this and take it down this road…u don’t want this and we don’t need it.

BD: It’s nothing personal but i have 2 daughters with 2 women and right now both of u are stressing me so please just let me know! Thank u.

Me: U hv to be the most insulting man I know.  After everything u’ve put me through and never once have I been vindictive.  I’ve only tried to help.

Me: $200/reg due this week. $150 for uniforms next week b4 the 24th and $160 total for the last 2 weeks of gym camp needed NOW…and after that do as you please.

Me: I just don’t care anymore.

Two hours go by and no response…so I send another text, after all he hasn’t sent his weekly child support and she has camp in the morning.

Me: I need to know if ur going to send the money today so that if not I can tell our daughter that there will be no more camp and make alternate plans.

No response.  That was 2 hours ago.

This prompted me to send him an email…with the above subject heading “Perspective: Please Read Carefully”

I will give him a couple of days to digest it all and if I get no response from him then on Wednesday morning I will be going to the court house to file the necessary paperwork.

The funny thing is that guys would always tell me that I lacked patience…HA!  Clearly they are wrong.  I’m patient if they matter.  I’m patient if it’s important…as you will all read below:

Dear God,

Please give me the strength and wisdom to convey to this man how much what he does affects our life…so here goes:

I figured that this was the best way for me to explain to you where I’m coming from without any misunderstandings or heated tempers straying us from the matter at hand.

Lexi *HIS LAST NAME*

Our daughter, the one that bares YOUR last name…she is the only thing that matters to me.  Her education, her exposure to different and culturally beneficial experiences, a stable home, a full belly and a loving environment are the only things that matter to me.  I will do whatever is in my financial, mental, emotional and physical realm to make those things possible.  I will work 2 jobs, go to school full time and care for her to the best of my ability, with little sleep and no rest if forced.

And I will do it alone if need be.

My Perspective:

Things have been difficult between us, to say the least.  Communication hasn’t always come easy to us.  We have both tried, sometimes harder than others, but we have both tried…although we only seem to be in sync for brief moments at a time.

You now have another daughter, another little girl whose life you are responsible for…but it could be worse…you could have three.

My sacrifices have been never ending with you.  I have sacrificed my mind, my body, my spirit and on several occasions even my wallet for you.  I have sacrificed my pride, dignity and sometimes my common sense to have you in my life.

But it ends now mister.

Last year when we both agreed to put our daughter in private school I came to you with my needs, not knowing at the time that you had another child on the way, and even though you insulted the friendship that I thought we were building by keeping it from me, I still never once lashed out and tried to make your life harder than it already was…instead I was understanding and patient.

Patient.

I’ve always tried to help.  I’ve ALWAYS had your back…even when you called me crazy and/or psycho bitches, dirty hoes, and a worthless mother.  I’ve always tried to ensure that you and your daughter had a stable relationship, even at the expense of my sanity…gas, oil changes, tire rotations and mile after mile after mile of my time and energy…and what do I get in return from you, “it’s nothing personal…”

Thousands upon thousands of forgiven dollars later where has it all gotten me.  “You don’t trust me”…hell, you don’t even like me.  I know you, I know your faults and in spite of them I had FAITH in you…yet after all that I’ve shown you, you don’t even give me the courtesy of respect.

When you needed personal money, I always gave what I had.  When you didn’t have adequate transportation, I helped where I could.  When you would let our daughter down time and time again, I glossed it over with “your daddy loves you ok.”  But where has THAT gotten me…”text message communication only please, cause you’re stressing me.”

Perspective by numbers:

$350 x the first 10 months of her birth that was NEVER asked for in arrearage while establishing the court order = $3,500

$180 of my hard earned money given to you when you watched her on my bday weekend in 2003, money that I never got back.

$150 to help you move to Orlando in 2004 after you abandoned us just 3 months after our arrival to Tally, never got it back.

$350 x 9 months she stayed with you = $3,150 ERASED in court at my request out of fairness.

NEVER ONCE ASKING FOR AN INCREASE FROM THE COURTS IN 6 YEARS!!  Even when your income exploded, I never asked.

Birthday parties that you never helped to pay for.

$300 while you stayed with me in Orlando to help you take care of a few things, never got it back.

2 months of staying with me RENT FREE, CHILD SUPPORT FREE, BILL FREE, FOOD FREE…never even got a thank you for this.

$300 in Feb of 2008 after getting a child support lump sum from your taxes…this was actually a gift, silly me.

$475 for private school registration in 2008 that you didn’t pay or even go half on like you said you would.

$250 in uniforms that you never help me purchase like you said you would.

no child support from October 2008 to March 2009 at 480/mo = $2,400

and then the big one, a closed child support case wiping away over $4,000 of back support FROM YOUR CREDIT and canceling all future weekly extractions from your paycheck.

I’ll let you add all of that up on your own…clearly I’ve done enough.

Inside Perspective:

Of all of the things outlined above, I never once lost perspective.  So here’s a little inside info for you to digest.  I closed the enforcement case, but I never canceled the court order.  I knew better.  I knew that you wanted to be better, but I also knew that you lacked the know how to see it through.

I’m no idiot.  I will never put my daughter in a compromising situation that will jeopardize what she deserves.  She deserves to be taken care of and you are forcing my hand.

Now please understand that this is not a threat.  I am not trying to make you sweat or back you into a corner.  I’m just pointing out that is my divine right and responsibility to care for our child…and that is what I plan to do.

I would hope that we could work it out between ourselves like adults, but if we can’t then I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that she is provided for.

Which will start by my filing a motion of contempt.  As you know contempt motions come with a bond amount, that if not waived by me or met by you, would throw you in jail.  Is this really what you want to have a record for?  This will also reinstate the balance that is on the court dockets, since they keep a separate record from CSE…but this will prompt CSE to reopen the case, your license will be suspended and the amount will be reinstated on your credit.

During the contempt order I will ask for a review of your income, during which time I will inform the court of all additional expenses that our daughter is now incurring, which are substantially higher than they were 5 years ago.  Also, my income is considerably lower now that I don’t work full-time, while my expenses are considerably higher.  I also don’t receive benefits from my job, which I pay out of pocket and you will be forced to provide…which as you know takes an even larger cut out of your check.  This can also be enforced by a contempt order.  Do you really want to spend a night in jail over health insurance?

The extractions will resume, possibly at a higher amount since as we both know, you make a considerable amount more than you made 5 years ago, even with the consideration of your second child.  But hey, even if it’s lower…it is guaranteed.

You don’t want this.  I don’t want this.  I don’t want to MAKE you take care of your child…a child that loves her daddy to death but doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.  And I quote, “daddy is mean and he doesn’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.”  I have to force her to call you.  Why do you think that she doesn’t have anything to say when she does?…it’s because she’s not interested.

Look, I’m not looking to stress you out, but did you ever stop to think that if you were doing what you were supposed to be doing then no stress would come to you.

Now I can’t speak for your other baby mama, I can only speak for myself.  I AM NOT HER!  You have to stop taking whatever frustrations and disappointments you have regarding your relationship with her, out on me and your daughters…yes plural, the kids are what matter to me…even the one that is not mine.

Running from Florida is not going to cause you less stress.  It only reflects poorly on who you are as a father and a man to leave your daughters behind to fend for themselves in a society full of fatherless men ready and willing to “fill the void” when they grow up.  I don’t have to explain to you the importance of having a positive role model in a child’s life.  Do better baby daddy…come on now, for real.

I can not tell you how to live your life, but I will hold you accountable for the decisions that you make that effect mine.  So sweetheart this is in fact very personal, and it’s high time that you realize it.

Praise God. Amen.

I Just Want to Be Left Alone…

That’s all.

People say that I should sit back and let love come to me.  That I shouldn’t openly look  for it.

Well here’s what I say.  I’m an attractive woman.  I’m smart and I take care of mine w/o help from anyone.

This means that I can’t make a freaking move without someone somewhere trying to get at me.

I got a FB message about a week ago from an ex of my homegirl.  This man knows nothing about me, but he thought that I would be a good match for his homeboy.  WTF?!?!?  We’re not even friends…what is it about a picture makes you think that me and your boy would be a match.  You don’t even know me!!

Random shit like that happens to me all the time…

Men are everywhere I turn and everytime I turn around someone is trying to get at me.

So fuck the dumb shit, I’m TIRED!

And frankly I just want to be left alone…LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Everytime I say that I’m taking a break, someone else comes out of the woodworks…someone is there trying to take me out, or get in my panties, or get to know me, and some just want to talk for hours about nothing.

People think I exaggerate my life when I don’t.  I’m not the prettiest or sexiest chic out there in the game, but for some reason I can’t seem to shake them.

PLEEEEEEEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I’ve been sick for the past few days and I haven’t called a soul.  Now normally when you’re sick you want to be comforted by someone who cares…funny thing is, I don’t think of any of the men on my “roster” really care.  So my phone has been on silent, and calls have been sent to vm when I did see them coming in.

I’m just tired.

I really need a break.

I’m not ready for a relationship.

My heart just isn’t ready…it needs a break.

So God if you’re listening…I just want to be left alone.  Please.

She Said…

Ok.

Yep that was my simple response to his message.  I was LIVID and responding when I’m mad is something that I’m learning to avoid at all costs…you all have seem my rage in action, so I’m progressing.  To his reply: Also know that i didn’t want this….but i’m sure you understand that..

About an hour goes by and I feel the need to rebuttle his message, can’t have him living in dillusions…yes, my pride is still alive and well…AS IS HIS…let the pride wars continue:

Me: It’s clear that you put a lot of energy into this message and I will respect it with an appropriate response later tonight when things settle down and I can objectively respond w/o anger.

Him: however you want to respond is fine with me. i just wanted a chance to explain myself… i never got the chance to, because you cut me off this morning completely. but i will say that now that all this has happend and you made your decision, i have moved on from that… i encourage you not to respond if nothing is going to change between us. it will only make things worse as far as proving your point. I see us right now as nothing because of todays text. If nothing is going to change then i encourage you to reconsider a rubuttal at this point. It will not help situaitons because you know i will not aruge with you. However, to me all feelings are valid. if you feel as though you need to get this off your chest and your wingan (no disrespect to him) cannot help you through this or one of your best friends, then go ahead and say what need to say. i will listen. but be wise…..

Me: What’s funny is that you didn’t respond to change things between us, nor did you go to your friends to get it off of your chest. Just as you saw this from your point of view, I see it from mine and I will explain just as you saw fit to explain. You have repeatedly stated that you have moved on so I will not challenge those feelings in my response, but just as you “helped” me (laughable btw)…I feel that I must “help” you.

As for me “being wise”…to that I say whatever.  (who the hell do these naggas think they are!!)

Him: again…. i dont’ need help honey… your advise i would consider… as far as friends, this was too easy for me, i didn’t need to consult…. yes you made a decison to be done with me with out consulting me only through a text… so i don’t see anything changing….i just see a pattern of where this is going with you. but it don’t matter what i say cause you dont listen to me…. you never did… only if you agreed. so go ahead… write, say what you want…. i have to choice cause i cannot stop you…

Me: Since you’re clearly not interested in what I have to say then I’ll do as you say(you see how chauvenist that sounds) and not respond. Take care mister.

Him: only if it’s beneficial to change… or something you need to tell me…that’s it… don’t have selective hearing… but ok… it’s still up to you…

So he wants to know how I really feel…here goes:

Let me first preface this by saying that you didn’t “help” me with anything I didn’t already know…as a matter of fact, I told you. I recall a conversation last week when you asked me to tell you something about myself that I wanted to change. I then told you that I have a raging temper when provoked and that I can be impatient. I explained how those things had negatively affected my life and that I was working to change it…in my exact words, “I’m a work in progress”…to your reply, “We all are, but I appreciate your honestly, it means a lot. At least you know what your faults are and you’re trying to change them.”

I forewarned you that if I got upset I would rather cool down and come back to it once I gave it some time to breathe, which I did on Saturday afternoon. Like you said I ended the call; I did not hang up in your face or call you names, I politely and with matter of fact said, “I think we should end the call here, I’ll call you later okay,” but this was the FIRST time that we ended a call abruptly, so I have no idea what you’re talking about regarding “you have done that alot with me.” Our calls normally ended when I needed to go to sleep or get some work done or vice versa with you, never pending an argument…but anywhoo, clearly you felt otherwise.

Secondly, I don’t ONLY know what you tell me…in fact, I also know what you SHOW me. And you have no doubt shown me what a wonderful man you can be…but I also got a glimpse of the worst of you as well. Your pride is the reason you didn’t take my calls Saturday night…I mean how dare I end a phone call with you, right…who do I think I am…you’ll show me that it’s not all about me, that I “dont always have to be in the spotlight” that you “dont’ move everytime you tell me to move. I am a grown man.” Side note: It does not sound like you were talking to me right there, carry baggage much? I am NOT your ex-wife.

But back to the issue at hand, I called you several times thinking that something was wrong with your cousin which is why I text you asking if everything was ok, and everything was ok. I gave you the benefit of the doubt Saturday night, but really you were chilling and just not wanting to talk to me. You responded to my text in a matter of seconds, and I felt insulted, so excuse me if I was a little snippy. You stated that you weren’t ignoring me and used the bogus excuse of me being out which you did not know about until I stated so in my text…but as you brushed off my concern I simply replied with “yeah ok” and then “whatever” but your PRIDE wouldn’t let you end it there. You were going to end this conversation on your terms, instead of just acknowledging that you were upset from earlier in the day and that you were in fact ignoring me…which only upset me more.

“Screw you” is the watered down version of what I would have said a month ago…progress is being made, but you came back with a vengeance like I was one of your children…”We‘re done here!”…only to be followed later with “everything I ask from u, u didn’t do”…do you mean everything you TOLD me to do? Again carry baggage much? Saturday night ends horribly, I followed up on Facebook to actually apologize…things had gotten out of hand I was feeling bad, but you didn’t respond to my IM, and I waited for longer than 3 minutes…I logged off and went to sleep.

The next morning I was crushed and decided to give you some time to calm down, so I didn’t contact you. I assumed that later in the day you would contact me when you were ready and we would discuss how horribly wrong things went, but you didn’t…at all. Later in the day I saw that you were on Facebook going back and forth about the weather and then about beating a friend of yours in chess…and I knew then that you just didn’t want to talk to me. If you were really willing to explain why you were distant, you would have sent me a text earlier in the day or a fb msg explaining such…but you didn’t b/c you didn’t want to. Things were so dire with your cousin, yet you had time to discuss the 105 degree weather, play online chess with your friend, gloat on facebook, do a little homework and promise to play another game with him in 15 minutes when you logged out of your class module…so spare me the woe is me, my family is suffering bullshit, you loss all credibility because of your actions.

Like I said, my intelligence will NOT be insulted. Do I realize how serious things are over there…yes. The real question is do you? You use your cousin’s situation to attempt to make me feel guilty about your absence when clearly you had plenty of time to contact me, unless online chess is “more important things to deal with” than giving me an update on what’s going on in Texas…
…but I digress.

And finally, thanks for the rope…I used it to pull myself ashore, since apparently I was swimming in a sea of your bullshit. Do I think you’re a nice guy, absolutely without a doubt once of the nicest guys I’ve met. Do I think that given the change we could have had a great relationship, of course I do. Do I think that it will ever happen…absolutely not.

Case in point: “you are so not ready for a relationship and you are so not ready to be with a guy of my state. I am way above and beyond you because i care about what goes on in people lives. you care about wat suits you. (Hence, suit yourself”) I was upset about somethings but im over it because i dont think that you had any good intentions”

No man who has my best interest at heart would ever say something like that to me. If that’s how you really feel about me then enough has been said on both parts…and yes you can blame my pride for this. I called you a dick as opposed to an ass b/c you were acting like one, but I never once said that you weren’t on my level and didn’t possess the mental capacity to accept what I have to give.

You see how that sounds…yeah, not nice.

Oh and btw, I’m a single mother so surprising me with an impromptu trip is sweet in thought, but inconsiderate in nature…especially since “we haven’t even met yet.” I’m a planner, I told you this before…my days and nights are mapped out from sunrise to sunset. My weekends are full, unless I set time aside and make other arrangements. I don’t have the luxury of impromptu visits to town, and as a father one would think you could understand that…but I guess not. If my words seem cold it’s because they are…I am tired. I am so tired of trying to be better, when everyone else chooses to just be themselves.

I think I’ll pass on the “friendship” because clearly “call if you ever need me” really means that you will answer whenever as “a grown man” you feel the need to.

And in closing, “i think i loved you enough writing all this….. trying to explain…. but it does me no justice.”

And this is why I prefer conversation over texting, it often times leads to unnecessary ugliness…

…and just know that I didn’t want it to happen like this…but i’m sure you understand that.

Take care.

He Said…

 

I’m sitting at home bothered by his ability to just let it all go.  Now I know this may seem odd to some, especially coming from me…but we really had something special…different…not sure what it was, but it was definitely something worth exploring.

So I called him…

No answer. Two minutes later I sent him a text.

Me: I can’t believe you could just cut me off like that.
Him: I been at the hospital most of my day…I’m leaving now on my way to the store…I didn’t cut u off.
Me: All day…please don’t insult my intelligence. (Clearly I should have been more clear, b/c I was referring to his not cutting me off, not the hospital)
Him: No not all day. I said most of my day…my laptop was with me…hospitals do have internet ya know…but what good is it for me to say or to explain if ur “intel” has u thinking against what I say?
Me: I don’t doubt u were at the hospital most of the day…u know what, nevermind…clearly you’re still feeling hostile towards me.

At this point I stop. He doesn’t respond…45 minutes later I turn my phone off. There is nothing left to be said and if he doesn’t call or respond I’m going to be devastated so turning the phone off was an opt for the possible disappointment.

I don’t understand what happened. I know I got snippy but come on, was all of that really necessary.

I wake up the next morning at 6am full of disappointment and a few texts from Pre-Med and another from Duval(we’ll get to him later),

Pre-Med: I’m at the grocery store…again the intel thing not good. I didn’t feel like going there with u last night. Then u continued on facebook…everything I ask from u, u didn’t do. I don’t want to go there again tonight. If it happens I will take care of it tomorrow…

I didn’t get these texts b/c I was sleep…otherwise he may have gotten the “fuck you” from me this time…I mean what about my feelings?!? You don’t take my calls b/c you’re mad that I got off the phone to AVOID a petty argument…but you respond to my text message with a vengence and then you don’t contact me all day but your facebooking to your heart’s content about nonsense.

And then I snapped…thanks to my pride that is…and realizing how much I’ve been willing to alter my life for these men who get mad b/c I don’t follow their every order and don’t beat to their drum and can put me down and pick me up when they’re ready I snapped. I sent him a text at 6:25am

Me: I am so tired of men thinking that I have to do what they want me to do when they want me to do it…what about my feelings, what about what I want or need…and then u ignore me and don’t call me. Let me guess, u’ll talk to me when ur ready right. Ur just like him(BD), SELFISH. U may be a nicer version but at ur core ur the same(sidenote: they share the same bday, EXACT same age, which was a concern that i let him know about when i found out to my disbelief)…and I’m good on that shit.

And in 3-2-1…Pride enters stage left.

Me: I’m not gonna sit over here hurt b/c u don’t want to talk to me…forget that. Have a nice life, I’m over it and you…besides having one of you is enough.

I deleted his number and removed him from my facebook…but it still hurt…life goes on though…right?!?

At 1:56pm I get a facebook message from him entitled: This is a freaking essay but I wrote this so you can get a clear understanding…here goes:

It is obvious that you do not have any patience at all. i just got your text and i just woke up from a long night. We will start two nights ago.

The other night while talking to you. you got a little irritated with me for your own reason and you hung up with me. I have notice that in you. You have done that alot with me and we only been speaking no less than 10 days. That night you called out of my name too many times so i decided that that night is not a good night to talk to you because i was very much up set. You actually hurt my feel to small degree. You never used the word “sorry” at all. I asked you, can we finish this the next day. i was gonna talk to you about it. i was going to tell you don’t ever talk to me the way you did. I don’t do the dicks and screw me’s. that is not lady like nor is it a way to talk to someone, well someone like me. Instead of giving me any time, i could have easily ignored you that night but i ended texting you the entire night. so no one ignored you. On facebook you sent me an im and you signed off before i could respond. you immed me for three minutes while i was logged on to class. Your last words were suit yourself. that made feel another type of way. as if i was the dumbest nigga on earth for not talking to you when you tell me to. Again no patience.

The next day my cousin wasn’t doing to well, we had to go to the hospital. pray all day over her and just comfort her until the doctors came and. they are keeping her another three days so far as we no if the treatment don’t work. I had my labtop with me there. you were not on facebook at all. I could have explained why i was non responsive all day. But you dont see that i’m dealing with a family crisis and how that makes me feel. All you see is , he’s ignoring me and he just sitting around doing nothing. I was at that hospital all day making sure shit went right with my cousin. this aint about you and me. I had more important things to deal with. You are making this about you. But at the moment it wasn’t. by the time we actually went to the grocery store imming you walking around with crap in my hand trying to text you. I never ignored not yesterday or the day before…we communicated through phone texts. So to sit here and say i ignored you the only thing i ignored was the phone calls because i was unable to answer them…. but you dont’ see that because you think i am insulting your intelligence. What youre really saying is that you don’t trust me or my words.

To be smart you have very bad judgment in men. You only know what i tell you. I call you and talk to you every day for hours at a time. then when i’m off the phone i facebook you, i text you. We spend all day talking, texting, facebooking. One day goes by because of my family is so emotional about their mom with MS and she may go blind depending on treatment don’t work. Not to mention if the legions get worse with time she could possibility die. The doctor is telling us all this and here you not worried about me, or my situation. You are worried about immature shit like I don’t talk to you all day.

I shared with you my deep feelings about all the of all of it there was no genuine consideration at all. And your calling me selfish when we talk and text all dam day. ( I keep saying that for some reason.) You have no patience to let me deal with more important things at the moment. What happened if we were to get married or if I went to med school and eight or nine hours go by and we done speak….or if a day goes by and we don’t speak because of our careers….what your gonna just end it all because im not baby feeding you…?

You just text me 630 in the morning thinking im going to respond to that crap your sending me. Oh wait this is gonna get better and better

you must know that i dont’ move everytime you tell me to move. I am a grown man. I do things in reason not to stroke or put your nookie in your mouth. Your last words were suit yourself. that made feel another way and my mouth is wide open in shock. I haven’t even met you in person yet. You have been completely overreacting and i see that you dont take any responsibility for your own actions or any accountability for your words. To compare me to other men and to your last few boyfriends is a shame because that tells me you were never really open for change. That explains your short patience in behavior. you wanted me to act a certain way, but i didn’t. so because you didn’t get your way you immediately accuse me like im acting like them.

Maybe your just acting like you. Did you ever think of that? Look at you and the relationships you been in. Have you ever considered that you have some shit with you. You barely know me and your “what northerern boys call set-trippin”.

you understand me so you say but claim im acting as if i am one of you ex’s. You are a tipcal case of not letting go of your past and bringing it to the future. you are so not ready for a relationship and you are so not ready to be with a guy of my state. I am way above and beyond you because i care about what goes on in people lives. you care about wat suits you. (Hence, suit yourself”) I was upset about somethings but im over it because i dont think that you had any good intentions. The funny part is that i never compared you to anyone i have ever dated.

To think i was purchasing a ticket, to think that i was going to surprise you next week, to think that i was beginning to like you, i just want to wait and see how thing played out. And it did, you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves or they will pull the person closer to them that gave them the rope. You just hung yourself by telling me its over when shit never really started…….

I will say this because i spent to much time helping you in this letter. I honestly dont think your happy at all…. i think it’s all a front. (think about that)…. If i were like any of your boyfriends, any of them or HIM who ever he is…. they must really had to be special to put up with someone who cannot control their emotions.. you dont always have to be in the spotlight sweatheart cause when you do that you expose yourself.

I wasn’t going anywhere. Read your texts from me. i was dealing with family crisis. im sorry if you feel i did anything too you. i seriously apologize, but you never gave me time to really talk to you. i wake up and your just done….. I could go on and continue this conversation but there is no need… i think i loved you enough writing all this….. trying to explain…. but it does me no justice.

i hope that what ever you desire to accomplish in life you wait for it… that way you value it when it comes, don’t do what you did with me… let me go because i wasn’t valued.

you have my number, im still your friend even if your not mines. call me if you ever need me. take care of yourself.

 ————

Clearly he needs to start proofreading…but that’s not my burden to bare…and after taking the day to think about it all, of course I have a response.

The Worst Sin of Them All…

PRIDE.

The last couple of days I’ve been out of it and a few of my friends have been asking me what happened, he and I were seemingly so happy, which I can’t deny it…we were, but something happened…the worst of us happened.

Of course you’re wondering how I’m just going to skip over the last 8 weeks and delve into my current situation…well honestly I’m too tired to relive it all at once, so you’ll get them as they come into relevance.

First off we’ll call him Pre-Med…he’s 29, cute, funny, smart, loving, strong, respectful…all these things.  We haven’t met in person though…who needs Eharmony when there’s Facebook.  He’s friends with one of blog fam Akua…we had a few exchanges on her page and he decided to request me as a friend.  It started out pretty casual, the conversations were good and began to pick up after the first few days.  Before we knew it were on the phone for hours at a time…and I do mean hours.

If we weren’t talking, we were texting or facebooking…it was cool.  He had been through a lot as a child, mother abandoned him as a child, dad went to prison when he was 8, step mom left and didn’t come home one day when he was 13, he took care of his 10yr old brother for a year before child services found out and put them in foster care.  And even in the face of adversity he always rose to the challenge.  He graduated from high school, won medals in sports, saved a girls life and was recognized by the city, went on to college, got a chic pregnant but she didn’t want to get married so he continued to be a steady father, a couple of years later got married at 22 to someone else and went to seminary school…but nothing in his life had been easy and the marriage was no different.  For all intents and purposes it didn’t work out…and after several attempts to make it work he finally left…with his 3 kids in tow.

Recently he decided to go back to school, he’s always wanted to become a doctor and didn’t want to put it off any longer…so now he’s taking pre-med classes.  About a month ago a family member called and told him that she had a ticket waiting on him to come to Texas, that for once someone should take care of him…that he wasn’t in it on his own…and he left PA behind for a fresh start at making a better future…he left the kids with their mothers.

So a couple of days ago, Saturday actually we were talking like we normally do when he said something that annoyed me…I don’t remember what it was, only that it compelled me enough to end the call at the moment.  I did not hang up in his face, I explained to him that I would talk to him later.  In a previous conversation I explained my temper and lack of patience and how I was working on them, and if I opted out of an argument it was a good thing and to not take offense…he appreciated my candor and said that he understood.

WHATEVER!!!!

So I get off the phone, this is early day around 3ish.  My friends decided to have an impromptu party at CeCe’s house so I called him around 8ish to give him the heads up. 

No answer.  It’s no big deal, he’ll call me back like he usually does.  Nope not this time.

I called him again at 10ish.

No answer.

Finally I called him at midnight…we were about to walk in the club and I was starting to get a little worrried because his cousin had been diagnosed with MS a day or two prior and everything was an emotional circus over there.

No answer.

So I texted him…and he responded within the minute:

Me: I hope everything is ok.
Him: I’m okay…what u doing?

I’m not going to front…I’M PISSED!! So he was ignoring me all that time, come on now are you kidding me?!?! I continue on…yes I could have just gone on with the conversation like nothing happened, like he hadn’t ignored my phone calls…but my pride wouldn’t let me…and as you will see his wouldn’t let him stop.

Me: Hanging with friends, glad to know that ur ok and just ignoring me. Have a good night.
Him: Wow. No ones ignoring you. U are out…so it was no need to be by the phone…continue to enjoy ur evening. Good night.

Ok so he didn’t know I was out until I responded to his text…I wasn’t out when I called and he didn’t answer.  Instead of him just fessing to the ignored calls he attempted to make it seem like my being out was the reason that we hadn’t talked…so bogus.

Me: Yeah ok
Him: Enjoy ur night. No need to go back and forth. Talk to you tomorrow. Drive safe.
Me: Whatever
Him: …..
Me: Like you said, no need to go back and forth…good night.
Him: Well I’m glad you finally listened.

He says that my not letting it go was the reason he got upset…but my “yeah ok” could have ended the night…his pride just wouldn’t allow me to have the last word and so it continued.

Me: screw you.
Him: Screw me? I would have thought u looked at me with more respect than that directive you just gave me. But I guess I’m wrong. U have an awesome night! We are done here. No need to continue this. We’re getting nowhere…Do me a favor and don’t respond back, that would make me feel better tonight…Good bye!

YEP you read right…throw in a couple of drinks(yes I was drinking) and this looked like he was ended our shortlived affair.
Me: Wow..ok. There’s so much I’d like to say, but clearly you’re overreacting and I’ll honor ur wishes and just leave you be.
Him: Actually you didn’t. U responded. Again. Goodnite.

MORE PRIDE!

Me: I don’t know what’s gotten into you but your being a freaking dick…but whatever…it was only a matter of time I guess.
Him:Ok now I’m a dick. Wow. It’s better for you to enjoy ur night than to waste a fowl mouth on me. Just try again later. As far as the “it’s only a matter of time.” It was ur time u were waiting on. I never had that time in mind…think about that before you respond…have a good one. I can’t do this tonight…I’m getting a headache.
Me: “We are done here. No need to continue this. We’re getting nowhere…”…didn’t know u felt that way.
Him: Ur calling me dicks…ur saying screw me…Yes after I hear something like that from you, you will get a response like that out of me. Ur right I don’t feel like this convo is getting anywhere…So yes I would like to stop this texting back and forth…it’s doing nothing positive…It’s why I said it an hour ago…So again please, I don’t want to do this tonight…good night.
Me: Like I said, I will honor ur wishes and leave u alone.

And that was the end of that.  That covered the span of about an hour…an hour later I went home and saw him online.  I wanted clarification so I IM’d him…no response…to my reply “suit yourself” and I logged out.

The next day I was hurt…I’m talking crush…our connection was so unbelievably great in just a couple of weeks…what the hell happened?!?!?

I figured I’d give him some time to think about how things transpired…that he would see that he was overreacting and text to test the waters, or even call…

NOTHING all day.

Now I know some would say that it was only a day…but actually we hadn’t spoken since 3pm the previous day except the night before to engage in text wars…previously we talked every day all day, using every form of communication available, so this was a blow.  I saw that he had been online for the past couple of hours going back and forth on his status messages, so clearly he had access to me if he wanted it.  I was hurt and I let it be known.  At 10ish I couldn’t take it anymore and called him…

Flatline…

So there I am in a room with the man that I love, our daughter and his father.  All is well with the universe…EXCEPT, BD and I hadn’t spoken since breakfast a few days prior.  Before leaving town I called up my homegirl and asked if we could stay there…she had a spare bedroom and with BD and his mother’s strained relationship I knew that I needed a “just in case” plan…it turns out that I was right.

We left the hospital about an hour later, stopped at California Chicken Grill so he and Lexi could grab a bite…I had a smoothie, this is when I was hardcore dieting and eating at 10:30ish was not a good look.  We got our food and headed to my friend’s house.  Everyone ate and indulged in a little conversation…but something said between my friend and I got under BD’s skin, which I will soon find out about.  Time goes by and we eventually put Lexi to sleep.

BD goes outside and sits in his car to indulge in a few recreational activities and by recreational I mean his favorite past and presenttime of getting high.  I take this as an opportunity to talk and head out there myself.  He knows how much I hate the smoke so he opended the sun roof and turned on the air.  We sit in silence for a while when he begins:

BD: so what’s on your mind?

Me: what’s going on with us…

BD: Tea there are alot of things going on in my mind right now…I just need to figure some shit out.

Me: so I have a question for you…did you tell her about us?

BD: who my baby momma…no I didn’t tell her…now isn’t a good time.

Me: wow, not a good time huh…so when is a good time?

BD: I have a question for you…and I want you to think before you answer…are you sure you really want to be apart of my world?

Me: I’m here aren’t I…just like I’ve always been…why are you so unsure?

BD: I need to tell you something, and when I finish I’m going to ask you again.  You know I was living with my ex, and this was the first time that I really tried to be a good man to anyone.  I didn’t cheat, I always provided and I never once left her to fend for shit on her own…not once.  She got pregnant I stayed there through it all.

(quietly it’s hurting me like hell to hear that he could put so much effort into some girl he met after such a short while)

Me: Why her?

BD: honestly…because I saw some things in her that I didn’t see in you.

(Ouch…I want to ask what but I let him continue instead)

BD: As time went on she began to show her true colors, she wasn’t who I thought she was so as you know I ended it.  I went over there one day to see my daughter and she asked if I was going to start sleeping with other women.  I told her yes, I wasn’t going to lie to her, hell I don’t have to lie to any woman.  And uhhh, she hit me…(laughing as though still in disbelief) she hit me in my face and…

***Sidenote: BD is not a small guy, nor is the type of man that can be pushed around…he’s 6′2, 225 EASY…all muscles, strong as all get out…his ex was larger than me but not big enough to take him, maybe about 5′7 170lbs or so…I mean she was still a big chic, but she had to be bold as hell to hit him.  Let me reiterate…alot of people are intimidated by BD…he big, black and not to be messed with…hell I used to be one of them…key word USED to.  There were times when I wanted to kill him dead but  even I showed restraint, and I had 6 years on her of his acting out…so I was actually a little surprised to hear that.

BD: I hit her back…several times actually.  I hit her pretty bad.  I’ve never laid my hand on a woman, there were times when you made me so mad but I never laid a hand on you.  I knew then how toxic that relationship was for me.  I’m on edge girl, I get angry easily and I feel like I’m going to crack at any moment.  I don’t need anyone setting any triggers off in me right now.  I’m tired of trying man…I just want this shit to be easy.  I figured that I knew you, I knew what to expect, I knew that I love the woman that you’ve become and if there was anyone I could make it work with it would be you.  But I’m on edge girl, do you understand that?  I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, but you have got to make some changes.  I have a bad temper, you have a bad temper…I need someone who is going to bring me peace, someone to balance me out and bring me down.  I can’t have you around here keeping shit going, like the conversation you were having with your homegirl.  Stay out of other people’s business, stop entertaining that shit.  I need you focused on us, on making this work, not on all the little petty shit.  That relationship took alot out of me, but it put a lot in me…it taught me some things about being a man, but it took so much out of me.  I need for you to be patient and work with me.  Can you do that? 

Silence.  I’m crying now.  I’m in love with someone who will never be capable of loving me back the way I NEED to be loved…but how do you walk away from the one thing you’ve always wanted?

You don’t. 

Me: Yes, I understand…and I’m here for you.  We will make this work together.  I promise.

After that things calmed down alot, we went inside and things were normal again.  We were laughing and joking, I saw the love in his eyes again as we sat on the couch and giggled.  The way he spoke to me, his voice…so calm, so reassuring.  I knew that with this much love we could make it work.  He went on his spill about Dallas, and having a son…life was back on track.  I had my man and my family back and nothing could ever take it away from me again.

God, I love this man with everything in my heart…if only we could hold on to these moments.

We went to sleep…well we didn’t get much sleep ya know.  And it was perfect, his touch, his kisses…our bodies linked perfectly.  That was something we were always good at…the physical connection was never an issue, hell if anything it was our downfall.

The next morning…well afternoon we got up, got Lexi up, went out to breakfast/lunch and stopped by his mother’s job.

His mother has worked for the same company for over 20 years…so he practically grew up in that place.  He ran into his mother’s coworker and began to introduce his family to him.

BD: This is my daughter Alex…and this is her mother.

HOLD THE MUTHAFUGGIN PHONE….I’M WHAT?!?!?

I smile politely and shake the man’s hand and as he’s talking to me, I hear BD say…”my fiance.”

It’s almost as if he was testing it out, the man didn’t hear him but I took that as a sign of him evolving…crisis averted…it may take him a while to get used to it. 

His mother hears the commotion and comes out in the hall to greet us.  We make it back into her office and she talks with Lexi for a bit before talking to BD about his dad.  And then out of nowhere she says…

His mom: so when were yall going to tell me that you are engaged?

He looked shocked, I wasn’t…I knew his sister had told his mom…but he didn’t know that I told his sister…he knew that she and I talked that day, but he didn’t know what about.

Me: it wasn’t my place…I figured he would tell you when he was ready.

At that point Lexi spills it ALL…and by all I mean EVERYTHING…including me trying on gowns, me asking her about Dallas and wanting a little brother…she tells the tea honey, and it was hilarious to see his face.

His mother turns back to him…

His mom: what a difference a year makes…

BD: 7 years…

His mom: no a year, things were extremely different a year ago…well i’m just happy to see that yall are communicating.  so when is the wedding?

Me: it’s been postponed…

His mom: did you have a date?

Me: nothing definite…(Lexi interrupts me)

Lexi: nana it was supposed to be in 4 months but my mommy’s dress wouldn’t be back by then so she asked daddy if they could do it later.

*everyone laughing*

His mom: later like when?

Me: that’s a good question…

His mom: so yall are engaged…(she looks at him)

BD: yeah…we’re dating.

My heart sank…and at that moment I knew that I would never be “the one”…I was just the most comfortable for him at the moment.

Shortly thereafter we left his mother’s office…he was headed back to the hospital to see his dad before he left and I was headed home.  He gave me a hug and a kiss and thanked me for coming.

Ya know, I know he cares about me and he may even love me on some level, but he isn’t capable of properly loving any woman right now…and I knew that I couldn’t save him from the emptiness and hurt that he was/is feeling…and I would die trying.

The ride home was very reflective for me…I knew that I would have to express my feelings.  I knew that those feelings would tear down whatever we had built the night before…but it was a risk I was willing to take, but I didn’t want to do it in front of our daughter.

Once we arrived home I cooked dinner and eventually put Lexi to bed…BD left Tally several hours after I did and I knew that he would be on the road.

I called him and told him how I felt about his introduction, and his explanation to his mom…and how it made me feel insignificant…and he EXPLODED!

There was yelling and screaming and crying; there was hurt, pain, exhaustion and explanation…followed by 2 simple words…”I’m tired.”…to which I replied, “me too, it’s just too hard loving you.”

**Wheeeeew reliving this is making me a bit emotional….**

BD: *more yelling*…But I told you what I needed, I told you what I had to offer right now, why couldn’t you just wait it out.

Me: why should I have too…dammit it’s been 7 fucking years…how long am I supposed to wait for you to love me.  it didn’t take you 7 years to love her, to be there for her, to provide for her and her kids while neglecting your own…huh BD, what the fuck am I supposed to do when you’re always making me feel like I’m second best.

BD: I can’t do this with you right now, why didn’t you say all of this last night…

Me: because today hadn’t happened yet…if you couldn’t tell your mom that you wanted me to be your wife then who the fuck can you tell…you’ll never tell HER(his other baby momma).

BD: telling her right now is going to cause me more problems then it’s worth.

Me: woooow, well thank you for that.  got it.  have a nice life.

And that was that. 

He hung up.  That was on a Tuesday…8 days after he asked me to marry him.  We didn’t speak again until the following Sunday when he called to speak to Alex and made it final.  Earlier when he asked I told him that if he ended it he would have to tell Lexi.

He said that he would, but when it came time he didn’t have the nerve and disappeared for 5 days…so I did.

She didn’t want to talk to him for almost a week after that…and neither did I.  It took me 3 weeks to stop hating him, which I know doesn’t seem like a long time…but something in me knew from day one that it wasn’t going to last.

…and so I digressed.

From 0 to 60

 

I don’t know where I found the time to have such a busy social life in the last 6 weeks but I made it happen.

So I’m engaged…it’s Monday 5/25 and I tell my coworkers…now that was fun.  The week goes by and the news spreads throughout my family…BD told my mom and he told our daughter, so I figured, hey this guy was serious.  For those who don’t know BD had another daughter back in October with a chic he met shortly before and moved in with to “do the right thing”…he worked really hard at being a good man to her…or so he said, but for a reason unbeknownst to me their thing ended abruptly like I knew it would.

He tells me that he wants to get married in 4 months and move to Dallas by the end of the year…I’m a little caught off guard by it but I agree…this is my future husband right, this is what I’m supposed to do.  The wedding plans begin, I pick out a dress…which quietly I picked out before the groom…everything is happening so fast…everything that is, except the progression of our “engagement”…the conversations seem forced, but he’s trying and it’s all so fresh. 

That Friday I asked him to come and visit, he says that he may have to work but he’ll let me know…it turns out that he did have to work so he asked me to come to Orlando instead.  I agree.  I get on the road at 11pm and head to the O’…about an hour or so into the drive he gets protective about me being on the road so late and comes to meet me…oh my goodness, is this what it’s like to be someone he cares about…it felt good.  We met at an exit and I swear I could tell that this man loved me more than life itself.

After several minutes of hugging and kissing in the Denny’s parking lot I followed him back to his house while yapping it up on the phone the whole way…our time together was great, familiar, comfortable, intense…just like it always is…but he has to work the next day…now here is where it goes South.  Before I came to town I asked him if he just wanted me to come for the night or for the weekend…his response “stay as long as you like”…so I packed enough clothes for the weekend…well a week, lol…a girl has to have options ya know. 

We get up for breakfast and he starts talking about work and studying for his upcoming broker’s exam on Monday…I’m thinking okay, I’ll busy myself while he’s at work and relax while he gets some studying in later tonight…no big deal right, we’re together now…we should be able to coexist without any actual interaction…besides being around him is all I wanted anyways. 

Sidenote: Lexi is spending the weekend with my mom which is why she didn’t come with me…and we need the time alone to get re-acquainted…or so I thought.

Then he starts throwing the hints…basically he asked me to leave without asking me to leave.  Not knowing how to respond I pack my shit and head towards the door…while all of this was going on his roommate comes home…I haven’t met this guy, and you would think that he would make the effort to introduce me…I mean after all I AM his fiance.  He was on the phone around them the night before talking about how excited he was…where was the excitement and ferver now???

We take separate cars to breakfast, I have nothing to say…it’s the same ol’ BD bullshit just prepackaged with a shiny ribbon on top and I get the feeling he was thinking the same about me.  At breakfast he explained that he was having mixed emotions…he didn’t understand why I was upset….”he had a good time with me, that the only thing that should matter is that we got to see each other, spend time together…why was i so upset?”

I explained to him that I we needed to date, hang out, get to know who we are now and not who we used to be, that I asked him whether or not he wanted me to stay and that he mislead me thinking that I wouldn’t come otherwise.

Silence.

We ate in silence.

We walked to our cars, and he was walking away with no hug and no kiss.  I stopped him and called him out on it and made him give me a proper good-bye, but it felt weird.

As I was leaving I called his sister and asked her to meet me…she was SHOCKED to say the least…he hadn’t told any of his family about it…no surprise there.  She shared her current and similar situation with me and I knew their this family’s communication skills were broken and there was no amount of love that I could give that man to fix him.

I spoke with him briefly the next day but he didn’t want to talk about “us” until he had it all figured out.  I knew he was having seconds thoughts and I was just waiting on him to call it off.

Monday while at work I was on the phone with Av talking to him about it all…it was an uncomfortable conversation on so many levels but he wanted to be there for me so there he was…and just when I was saying, “fuck it…i’m not going to stress myself out over this man” my line beeps, it’s BD.

I click over and I hear him crying uncontrollably…I’m scared as shit…knowing the type of life he has led and risks that he is willing to take I didn’t know what to think.  It turns out that his father had a stroke, he lost his cell phone and didn’t know his mother or sister’s number…yeah a broken family I tell ya.  He tells me to call them and I do just that.

I give them 45 mins or so to talk and figure out the details before calling him back…I ask him if he needs me to come to Orlando he tells me that he’s headed to Tally and to stay with Alex…something about that just didn’t feel right.  I tell him that we’re coming to Tally whether he likes it or not.

You see I had never met his father, and Lexi hadn’t seen her grandfather since she was a little baby.  I knew that if the condition was serious that this may be the last chance she has to see him…and that if his dad didn’t make it BD would need those who love him in his presence.  I finished up at work and hopped on the road with my our daughter in tow.

The entire time I’m feeling unsure about my decision…I’ve called him repeatedly and got no answer.  I didn’t know whether or not to turn around.  I called his mom and she told me that she talked to him briefly and that his father was in stable condition, the worst of it was over…that I didn’t have to come.  She gave me his father’s hospital number and I called…when his dad answered I was so overcome with emotion:

Me: hi, this is Tea…Lexi’s mom…is BD there?

His dad: *silence, followed up by a choke in his voice* No, he is not here yet.

Me: ok, well Lexi and I are on our way, we’re coming from Jax so we may get there the same time as your son.

His dad: I can’t wait.  I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time..and I can’t wait to see my granddaughter.

We hang up and I start crying.  I have never been allowed full access into BD’s life.  It was never supposed to be like this.  Our thing was a summer fling, it was began in July and was supposed to be over in August…unfortunately for him I couldn’t make the decision necessary to ensure the severing of our eternal tie.  He resented me for that and promised that I would never fully be apart of his life…and up until this point, he had held up his end of that promise.

We arrived at the hospital after visiting hours, security walks us up and as we walk in the door both his and his father’s eyes light up.  He grinned from ear to ear…and at that moment I knew that even in my uncertainty and indecision that my choice to follow through was a good thing…that my being there made our bond that much stronger.

…or so I thought.

*sigh*

Now I know why speed limits are strictly enforced.

Where We Left Off…

Ok, so let’s play catch up…

On May 21st my precious daughter Lexi graduated from Kindergarten…it was great, a shining moment for her father(BD) and I…until night fell.  Sometime between her walking across the stage while he gave me a loving glance and us getting in from dinner we had become enemies.  Several minutes after tucking her in he left with me upset and determined, I followed him outside to continue saying what was on my chest, which was something along the lines of “you ain’t shit, you poor excuse for a man…”…uh yeah, I gotta do better.

This was followed by me standing in front of his car for nearly an hour while it rained, him threatening to run me over and me standing there with a stoic look on my face…crazy I know.  I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.  At this point he put the car in drive and began to inch slowly up on me, me backing up each time before I knew that I had to stand my ground(CRAZY!!!)…so I closed my eyes and stood there and he inched further knocking me back to the ground…don’t worry it was a light nudge…but it caught us both off guard.

He parked as I got up…I walked towards the car window and as he coyly and with insincerity apologized.  I looked at him with disgust wanting to knock the shit out of him, but instead I walked towards the house as he kept apologizing.  I paid it no mind and shut the door behind me.

The next day I knew I had to let go of 7 years worth of built up anger and frustration or it was going to eat me alive.  I prayed and cried all day…that was also the day I deleted my blog.  It was time for me to let all of that hurt go…in an essence deleting the blog was like deleting the history, the events that took place and the pain that it caused me. 

I was finding my peace and it felt good.  I called him, but he didn’t answer…so I left him a message apologizing for my behavior and let him know that things were too toxic between us and we needed a break.  He didn’t call back.

The next day, 5/23 which was a Saturday I had a date with Coach…we went to lunch and then a movie…it was really nice.  I’ve known Coach since we were kids, we grew up together and since this date came on the heels of a fresh start, being with him felt really good.  Later that night we met up at the Ale House with his friends and mine and watched the game…I was happy for a change.  We said our good nights and I went to sleep.

On Sunday 5/24 at 3:47 am I got a call from BD.  His words:

BD: Hey, I need to talk to you.

Me: …what’s wrong, is everything ok?

BD: No, it’s not.  It’s like I have everything that I’ve wanted.  My life is finally on track, my money is good, my daughter is good…but I feel empty…there’s something missing…I’m not happy.  I’m on my way to Jax, see you in a bit.

Of course I’m caught totally off guard…Coach wanted to stay the night but I didn’t answer when he called, I didn’t want to jump into anything else…I wonder how differently things would have turned out if he was there and I let BD’s call go to voicemail.

Nonetheless he wasn’t and BD was on his way.

I called CeCe…I knew in my heart of hearts what this man was about to do and I needed to talk to someone…she told me to calm down and call her in the morning…she knew too.

Two hours later and he was at my door…I opened it and he came inside.

As I closed the door he spun me around and held me tight…and I do mean tight…and he kept whispering, “you’re the one…all this time, and i’ve known it the whole time…you’re the one.”  Of course I’m thinking something horrible must have happened…I just don’t understand where this is coming from…so I ask him.

Me: what happened?

BD: you happened, the other night happened…I know why you stood in front of the car, I know I should be doing more, I know that you love me more than anyone else could ever love me and I love you so much for that.

And just then, he started crying…he held me tight, looked at me and said:

BD: Tea, be my wife, have my son…I don’t want anyone else but you.

And at 6:19am on a Sunday morning I said yes.  I was engaged…or so I thought, lol.

He INSISTED that I tell everyone, let all the fellas know that I was off the market.  Now BD and I hadn’t even dated for well almost 2 years and even that was shortlived…how the hell did we get engaged on a whim…I knew that the transition was going to be tough but this was BD, the only man that I’ve ever loved with every fiber in my being and I was willing to make it work no matter what it took.

…and I did just that.  I let the world know…mostly via FB, lol…but they knew.  I called Coach, boy was that hard…just the day before we had such a good time together…I could see him falling for me…I knew that things were taking a turn, and then WHAM!!!…BD happened and Coach was a casualty.  He didn’t take it well, but how could he.  Next up came Av, the Fireman, Pep, the Officer and MT.

Talk about a laundry list of cleaning to do…I was spent after it was all over and done with.  Although none of these guys were active players you knew the drill, they would come when I called, so telling them was a must.

The hardest one though had to be Av…BD was still in town, he stayed until later that day…so I did most of these while he was sleeping, but I waited to do Av.  I knew there was going to be a conversation and he deserved my undivided attention.

Most of the guys were shocked, none of them were upset b/c it was BD…most of them having kids felt that if I was going to marry anyone on a whim then it should be him…they actually were…happy???..I guess that’s the best way to describe it.

Av was…well happily indifferent.  He wanted what was best for me…but I think he thought I was going to be around until he got it together.  You see Av was my alternate reality.  There were 2 guys that I could see myself happy with, one was BD and the other was Av.  Although they would be 2 very different lives, I could see myself living them both.  BD and Av have alot in common in that they are both extremely driven and aggressive men…and I loves me an aggressive man…the difference is that Av has a working model of success and happiness whereas BD doesn’t.

This of course makes them very different men when it comes to how they treat and deal with women…Av being the better man, and BD being the more impulsive and determined.  The best way to describe them would be that with BD, even when winning is not possible, losing is not an option…and with Av, if winning is not an option, then losing is avoided at all costs…two very different men with very similar personalities.

It hurt me to let that one go, but I knew that if BD and I had any chance of making it work then I would have to cut all ties with Av, especially with Av.

Anyhow…the story is out…I’m engaged…it took 7 long, hard, painful, joyous, incredible, unbelievable, devastating, most fulfilling years of my life to get to this point.

So how am I now single again…well I’m getting to that.

Hello world!

Back by popular demand…

….oh how I’ve missed this platform.  Alot has happened over the past month or…man has it really only been 6 weeks.  It seems like an eternity.

I’ve somehow managed to get engaged, disengaged and even have “boyfriend” for a short while.

Talk about hard on the heart…

…but one thing that I’ve learned is to SLOW DOWN!!!

There are a few players whose names you will recognize and then a few new editions as well.

The most interesting thing of it all though is that for once I do NOT want to be in a relationship…go figure.

Ha!  I know right…it only took another serious heartbreak to get me here, but here I am.

The blog is evolving this time around…it’s gonna be about my life, and not just my dating life…there’s so much more to me and life I live than just the company I keep…although I do keep alot of company around.

So buckle up and enjoy the ride…I’m sure it’s gonna be a whirlwind of fun!