So there I am in a room with the man that I love, our daughter and his father.  All is well with the universe…EXCEPT, BD and I hadn’t spoken since breakfast a few days prior.  Before leaving town I called up my homegirl and asked if we could stay there…she had a spare bedroom and with BD and his mother’s strained relationship I knew that I needed a “just in case” plan…it turns out that I was right.

We left the hospital about an hour later, stopped at California Chicken Grill so he and Lexi could grab a bite…I had a smoothie, this is when I was hardcore dieting and eating at 10:30ish was not a good look.  We got our food and headed to my friend’s house.  Everyone ate and indulged in a little conversation…but something said between my friend and I got under BD’s skin, which I will soon find out about.  Time goes by and we eventually put Lexi to sleep.

BD goes outside and sits in his car to indulge in a few recreational activities and by recreational I mean his favorite past and presenttime of getting high.  I take this as an opportunity to talk and head out there myself.  He knows how much I hate the smoke so he opended the sun roof and turned on the air.  We sit in silence for a while when he begins:

BD: so what’s on your mind?

Me: what’s going on with us…

BD: Tea there are alot of things going on in my mind right now…I just need to figure some shit out.

Me: so I have a question for you…did you tell her about us?

BD: who my baby momma…no I didn’t tell her…now isn’t a good time.

Me: wow, not a good time huh…so when is a good time?

BD: I have a question for you…and I want you to think before you answer…are you sure you really want to be apart of my world?

Me: I’m here aren’t I…just like I’ve always been…why are you so unsure?

BD: I need to tell you something, and when I finish I’m going to ask you again.  You know I was living with my ex, and this was the first time that I really tried to be a good man to anyone.  I didn’t cheat, I always provided and I never once left her to fend for shit on her own…not once.  She got pregnant I stayed there through it all.

(quietly it’s hurting me like hell to hear that he could put so much effort into some girl he met after such a short while)

Me: Why her?

BD: honestly…because I saw some things in her that I didn’t see in you.

(Ouch…I want to ask what but I let him continue instead)

BD: As time went on she began to show her true colors, she wasn’t who I thought she was so as you know I ended it.  I went over there one day to see my daughter and she asked if I was going to start sleeping with other women.  I told her yes, I wasn’t going to lie to her, hell I don’t have to lie to any woman.  And uhhh, she hit me…(laughing as though still in disbelief) she hit me in my face and…

***Sidenote: BD is not a small guy, nor is the type of man that can be pushed around…he’s 6′2, 225 EASY…all muscles, strong as all get out…his ex was larger than me but not big enough to take him, maybe about 5′7 170lbs or so…I mean she was still a big chic, but she had to be bold as hell to hit him.  Let me reiterate…alot of people are intimidated by BD…he big, black and not to be messed with…hell I used to be one of them…key word USED to.  There were times when I wanted to kill him dead but  even I showed restraint, and I had 6 years on her of his acting out…so I was actually a little surprised to hear that.

BD: I hit her back…several times actually.  I hit her pretty bad.  I’ve never laid my hand on a woman, there were times when you made me so mad but I never laid a hand on you.  I knew then how toxic that relationship was for me.  I’m on edge girl, I get angry easily and I feel like I’m going to crack at any moment.  I don’t need anyone setting any triggers off in me right now.  I’m tired of trying man…I just want this shit to be easy.  I figured that I knew you, I knew what to expect, I knew that I love the woman that you’ve become and if there was anyone I could make it work with it would be you.  But I’m on edge girl, do you understand that?  I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, but you have got to make some changes.  I have a bad temper, you have a bad temper…I need someone who is going to bring me peace, someone to balance me out and bring me down.  I can’t have you around here keeping shit going, like the conversation you were having with your homegirl.  Stay out of other people’s business, stop entertaining that shit.  I need you focused on us, on making this work, not on all the little petty shit.  That relationship took alot out of me, but it put a lot in me…it taught me some things about being a man, but it took so much out of me.  I need for you to be patient and work with me.  Can you do that? 

Silence.  I’m crying now.  I’m in love with someone who will never be capable of loving me back the way I NEED to be loved…but how do you walk away from the one thing you’ve always wanted?

You don’t. 

Me: Yes, I understand…and I’m here for you.  We will make this work together.  I promise.

After that things calmed down alot, we went inside and things were normal again.  We were laughing and joking, I saw the love in his eyes again as we sat on the couch and giggled.  The way he spoke to me, his voice…so calm, so reassuring.  I knew that with this much love we could make it work.  He went on his spill about Dallas, and having a son…life was back on track.  I had my man and my family back and nothing could ever take it away from me again.

God, I love this man with everything in my heart…if only we could hold on to these moments.

We went to sleep…well we didn’t get much sleep ya know.  And it was perfect, his touch, his kisses…our bodies linked perfectly.  That was something we were always good at…the physical connection was never an issue, hell if anything it was our downfall.

The next morning…well afternoon we got up, got Lexi up, went out to breakfast/lunch and stopped by his mother’s job.

His mother has worked for the same company for over 20 years…so he practically grew up in that place.  He ran into his mother’s coworker and began to introduce his family to him.

BD: This is my daughter Alex…and this is her mother.

HOLD THE MUTHAFUGGIN PHONE….I’M WHAT?!?!?

I smile politely and shake the man’s hand and as he’s talking to me, I hear BD say…”my fiance.”

It’s almost as if he was testing it out, the man didn’t hear him but I took that as a sign of him evolving…crisis averted…it may take him a while to get used to it. 

His mother hears the commotion and comes out in the hall to greet us.  We make it back into her office and she talks with Lexi for a bit before talking to BD about his dad.  And then out of nowhere she says…

His mom: so when were yall going to tell me that you are engaged?

He looked shocked, I wasn’t…I knew his sister had told his mom…but he didn’t know that I told his sister…he knew that she and I talked that day, but he didn’t know what about.

Me: it wasn’t my place…I figured he would tell you when he was ready.

At that point Lexi spills it ALL…and by all I mean EVERYTHING…including me trying on gowns, me asking her about Dallas and wanting a little brother…she tells the tea honey, and it was hilarious to see his face.

His mother turns back to him…

His mom: what a difference a year makes…

BD: 7 years…

His mom: no a year, things were extremely different a year ago…well i’m just happy to see that yall are communicating.  so when is the wedding?

Me: it’s been postponed…

His mom: did you have a date?

Me: nothing definite…(Lexi interrupts me)

Lexi: nana it was supposed to be in 4 months but my mommy’s dress wouldn’t be back by then so she asked daddy if they could do it later.

*everyone laughing*

His mom: later like when?

Me: that’s a good question…

His mom: so yall are engaged…(she looks at him)

BD: yeah…we’re dating.

My heart sank…and at that moment I knew that I would never be “the one”…I was just the most comfortable for him at the moment.

Shortly thereafter we left his mother’s office…he was headed back to the hospital to see his dad before he left and I was headed home.  He gave me a hug and a kiss and thanked me for coming.

Ya know, I know he cares about me and he may even love me on some level, but he isn’t capable of properly loving any woman right now…and I knew that I couldn’t save him from the emptiness and hurt that he was/is feeling…and I would die trying.

The ride home was very reflective for me…I knew that I would have to express my feelings.  I knew that those feelings would tear down whatever we had built the night before…but it was a risk I was willing to take, but I didn’t want to do it in front of our daughter.

Once we arrived home I cooked dinner and eventually put Lexi to bed…BD left Tally several hours after I did and I knew that he would be on the road.

I called him and told him how I felt about his introduction, and his explanation to his mom…and how it made me feel insignificant…and he EXPLODED!

There was yelling and screaming and crying; there was hurt, pain, exhaustion and explanation…followed by 2 simple words…”I’m tired.”…to which I replied, “me too, it’s just too hard loving you.”

**Wheeeeew reliving this is making me a bit emotional….**

BD: *more yelling*…But I told you what I needed, I told you what I had to offer right now, why couldn’t you just wait it out.

Me: why should I have too…dammit it’s been 7 fucking years…how long am I supposed to wait for you to love me.  it didn’t take you 7 years to love her, to be there for her, to provide for her and her kids while neglecting your own…huh BD, what the fuck am I supposed to do when you’re always making me feel like I’m second best.

BD: I can’t do this with you right now, why didn’t you say all of this last night…

Me: because today hadn’t happened yet…if you couldn’t tell your mom that you wanted me to be your wife then who the fuck can you tell…you’ll never tell HER(his other baby momma).

BD: telling her right now is going to cause me more problems then it’s worth.

Me: woooow, well thank you for that.  got it.  have a nice life.

And that was that. 

He hung up.  That was on a Tuesday…8 days after he asked me to marry him.  We didn’t speak again until the following Sunday when he called to speak to Alex and made it final.  Earlier when he asked I told him that if he ended it he would have to tell Lexi.

He said that he would, but when it came time he didn’t have the nerve and disappeared for 5 days…so I did.

She didn’t want to talk to him for almost a week after that…and neither did I.  It took me 3 weeks to stop hating him, which I know doesn’t seem like a long time…but something in me knew from day one that it wasn’t going to last.

…and so I digressed.