I don’t know where I found the time to have such a busy social life in the last 6 weeks but I made it happen.

So I’m engaged…it’s Monday 5/25 and I tell my coworkers…now that was fun.  The week goes by and the news spreads throughout my family…BD told my mom and he told our daughter, so I figured, hey this guy was serious.  For those who don’t know BD had another daughter back in October with a chic he met shortly before and moved in with to “do the right thing”…he worked really hard at being a good man to her…or so he said, but for a reason unbeknownst to me their thing ended abruptly like I knew it would.

He tells me that he wants to get married in 4 months and move to Dallas by the end of the year…I’m a little caught off guard by it but I agree…this is my future husband right, this is what I’m supposed to do.  The wedding plans begin, I pick out a dress…which quietly I picked out before the groom…everything is happening so fast…everything that is, except the progression of our “engagement”…the conversations seem forced, but he’s trying and it’s all so fresh. 

That Friday I asked him to come and visit, he says that he may have to work but he’ll let me know…it turns out that he did have to work so he asked me to come to Orlando instead.  I agree.  I get on the road at 11pm and head to the O’…about an hour or so into the drive he gets protective about me being on the road so late and comes to meet me…oh my goodness, is this what it’s like to be someone he cares about…it felt good.  We met at an exit and I swear I could tell that this man loved me more than life itself.

After several minutes of hugging and kissing in the Denny’s parking lot I followed him back to his house while yapping it up on the phone the whole way…our time together was great, familiar, comfortable, intense…just like it always is…but he has to work the next day…now here is where it goes South.  Before I came to town I asked him if he just wanted me to come for the night or for the weekend…his response “stay as long as you like”…so I packed enough clothes for the weekend…well a week, lol…a girl has to have options ya know. 

We get up for breakfast and he starts talking about work and studying for his upcoming broker’s exam on Monday…I’m thinking okay, I’ll busy myself while he’s at work and relax while he gets some studying in later tonight…no big deal right, we’re together now…we should be able to coexist without any actual interaction…besides being around him is all I wanted anyways. 

Sidenote: Lexi is spending the weekend with my mom which is why she didn’t come with me…and we need the time alone to get re-acquainted…or so I thought.

Then he starts throwing the hints…basically he asked me to leave without asking me to leave.  Not knowing how to respond I pack my shit and head towards the door…while all of this was going on his roommate comes home…I haven’t met this guy, and you would think that he would make the effort to introduce me…I mean after all I AM his fiance.  He was on the phone around them the night before talking about how excited he was…where was the excitement and ferver now???

We take separate cars to breakfast, I have nothing to say…it’s the same ol’ BD bullshit just prepackaged with a shiny ribbon on top and I get the feeling he was thinking the same about me.  At breakfast he explained that he was having mixed emotions…he didn’t understand why I was upset….”he had a good time with me, that the only thing that should matter is that we got to see each other, spend time together…why was i so upset?”

I explained to him that I we needed to date, hang out, get to know who we are now and not who we used to be, that I asked him whether or not he wanted me to stay and that he mislead me thinking that I wouldn’t come otherwise.

Silence.

We ate in silence.

We walked to our cars, and he was walking away with no hug and no kiss.  I stopped him and called him out on it and made him give me a proper good-bye, but it felt weird.

As I was leaving I called his sister and asked her to meet me…she was SHOCKED to say the least…he hadn’t told any of his family about it…no surprise there.  She shared her current and similar situation with me and I knew their this family’s communication skills were broken and there was no amount of love that I could give that man to fix him.

I spoke with him briefly the next day but he didn’t want to talk about “us” until he had it all figured out.  I knew he was having seconds thoughts and I was just waiting on him to call it off.

Monday while at work I was on the phone with Av talking to him about it all…it was an uncomfortable conversation on so many levels but he wanted to be there for me so there he was…and just when I was saying, “fuck it…i’m not going to stress myself out over this man” my line beeps, it’s BD.

I click over and I hear him crying uncontrollably…I’m scared as shit…knowing the type of life he has led and risks that he is willing to take I didn’t know what to think.  It turns out that his father had a stroke, he lost his cell phone and didn’t know his mother or sister’s number…yeah a broken family I tell ya.  He tells me to call them and I do just that.

I give them 45 mins or so to talk and figure out the details before calling him back…I ask him if he needs me to come to Orlando he tells me that he’s headed to Tally and to stay with Alex…something about that just didn’t feel right.  I tell him that we’re coming to Tally whether he likes it or not.

You see I had never met his father, and Lexi hadn’t seen her grandfather since she was a little baby.  I knew that if the condition was serious that this may be the last chance she has to see him…and that if his dad didn’t make it BD would need those who love him in his presence.  I finished up at work and hopped on the road with my our daughter in tow.

The entire time I’m feeling unsure about my decision…I’ve called him repeatedly and got no answer.  I didn’t know whether or not to turn around.  I called his mom and she told me that she talked to him briefly and that his father was in stable condition, the worst of it was over…that I didn’t have to come.  She gave me his father’s hospital number and I called…when his dad answered I was so overcome with emotion:

Me: hi, this is Tea…Lexi’s mom…is BD there?

His dad: *silence, followed up by a choke in his voice* No, he is not here yet.

Me: ok, well Lexi and I are on our way, we’re coming from Jax so we may get there the same time as your son.

His dad: I can’t wait.  I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time..and I can’t wait to see my granddaughter.

We hang up and I start crying.  I have never been allowed full access into BD’s life.  It was never supposed to be like this.  Our thing was a summer fling, it was began in July and was supposed to be over in August…unfortunately for him I couldn’t make the decision necessary to ensure the severing of our eternal tie.  He resented me for that and promised that I would never fully be apart of his life…and up until this point, he had held up his end of that promise.

We arrived at the hospital after visiting hours, security walks us up and as we walk in the door both his and his father’s eyes light up.  He grinned from ear to ear…and at that moment I knew that even in my uncertainty and indecision that my choice to follow through was a good thing…that my being there made our bond that much stronger.

…or so I thought.

*sigh*

Now I know why speed limits are strictly enforced.