Ok.

Yep that was my simple response to his message.  I was LIVID and responding when I’m mad is something that I’m learning to avoid at all costs…you all have seem my rage in action, so I’m progressing.  To his reply: Also know that i didn’t want this….but i’m sure you understand that..

About an hour goes by and I feel the need to rebuttle his message, can’t have him living in dillusions…yes, my pride is still alive and well…AS IS HIS…let the pride wars continue:

Me: It’s clear that you put a lot of energy into this message and I will respect it with an appropriate response later tonight when things settle down and I can objectively respond w/o anger.

Him: however you want to respond is fine with me. i just wanted a chance to explain myself… i never got the chance to, because you cut me off this morning completely. but i will say that now that all this has happend and you made your decision, i have moved on from that… i encourage you not to respond if nothing is going to change between us. it will only make things worse as far as proving your point. I see us right now as nothing because of todays text. If nothing is going to change then i encourage you to reconsider a rubuttal at this point. It will not help situaitons because you know i will not aruge with you. However, to me all feelings are valid. if you feel as though you need to get this off your chest and your wingan (no disrespect to him) cannot help you through this or one of your best friends, then go ahead and say what need to say. i will listen. but be wise…..

Me: What’s funny is that you didn’t respond to change things between us, nor did you go to your friends to get it off of your chest. Just as you saw this from your point of view, I see it from mine and I will explain just as you saw fit to explain. You have repeatedly stated that you have moved on so I will not challenge those feelings in my response, but just as you “helped” me (laughable btw)…I feel that I must “help” you.

As for me “being wise”…to that I say whatever.  (who the hell do these naggas think they are!!)

Him: again…. i dont’ need help honey… your advise i would consider… as far as friends, this was too easy for me, i didn’t need to consult…. yes you made a decison to be done with me with out consulting me only through a text… so i don’t see anything changing….i just see a pattern of where this is going with you. but it don’t matter what i say cause you dont listen to me…. you never did… only if you agreed. so go ahead… write, say what you want…. i have to choice cause i cannot stop you…

Me: Since you’re clearly not interested in what I have to say then I’ll do as you say(you see how chauvenist that sounds) and not respond. Take care mister.

Him: only if it’s beneficial to change… or something you need to tell me…that’s it… don’t have selective hearing… but ok… it’s still up to you…

So he wants to know how I really feel…here goes:

Let me first preface this by saying that you didn’t “help” me with anything I didn’t already know…as a matter of fact, I told you. I recall a conversation last week when you asked me to tell you something about myself that I wanted to change. I then told you that I have a raging temper when provoked and that I can be impatient. I explained how those things had negatively affected my life and that I was working to change it…in my exact words, “I’m a work in progress”…to your reply, “We all are, but I appreciate your honestly, it means a lot. At least you know what your faults are and you’re trying to change them.”

I forewarned you that if I got upset I would rather cool down and come back to it once I gave it some time to breathe, which I did on Saturday afternoon. Like you said I ended the call; I did not hang up in your face or call you names, I politely and with matter of fact said, “I think we should end the call here, I’ll call you later okay,” but this was the FIRST time that we ended a call abruptly, so I have no idea what you’re talking about regarding “you have done that alot with me.” Our calls normally ended when I needed to go to sleep or get some work done or vice versa with you, never pending an argument…but anywhoo, clearly you felt otherwise.

Secondly, I don’t ONLY know what you tell me…in fact, I also know what you SHOW me. And you have no doubt shown me what a wonderful man you can be…but I also got a glimpse of the worst of you as well. Your pride is the reason you didn’t take my calls Saturday night…I mean how dare I end a phone call with you, right…who do I think I am…you’ll show me that it’s not all about me, that I “dont always have to be in the spotlight” that you “dont’ move everytime you tell me to move. I am a grown man.” Side note: It does not sound like you were talking to me right there, carry baggage much? I am NOT your ex-wife.

But back to the issue at hand, I called you several times thinking that something was wrong with your cousin which is why I text you asking if everything was ok, and everything was ok. I gave you the benefit of the doubt Saturday night, but really you were chilling and just not wanting to talk to me. You responded to my text in a matter of seconds, and I felt insulted, so excuse me if I was a little snippy. You stated that you weren’t ignoring me and used the bogus excuse of me being out which you did not know about until I stated so in my text…but as you brushed off my concern I simply replied with “yeah ok” and then “whatever” but your PRIDE wouldn’t let you end it there. You were going to end this conversation on your terms, instead of just acknowledging that you were upset from earlier in the day and that you were in fact ignoring me…which only upset me more.

“Screw you” is the watered down version of what I would have said a month ago…progress is being made, but you came back with a vengeance like I was one of your children…”We‘re done here!”…only to be followed later with “everything I ask from u, u didn’t do”…do you mean everything you TOLD me to do? Again carry baggage much? Saturday night ends horribly, I followed up on Facebook to actually apologize…things had gotten out of hand I was feeling bad, but you didn’t respond to my IM, and I waited for longer than 3 minutes…I logged off and went to sleep.

The next morning I was crushed and decided to give you some time to calm down, so I didn’t contact you. I assumed that later in the day you would contact me when you were ready and we would discuss how horribly wrong things went, but you didn’t…at all. Later in the day I saw that you were on Facebook going back and forth about the weather and then about beating a friend of yours in chess…and I knew then that you just didn’t want to talk to me. If you were really willing to explain why you were distant, you would have sent me a text earlier in the day or a fb msg explaining such…but you didn’t b/c you didn’t want to. Things were so dire with your cousin, yet you had time to discuss the 105 degree weather, play online chess with your friend, gloat on facebook, do a little homework and promise to play another game with him in 15 minutes when you logged out of your class module…so spare me the woe is me, my family is suffering bullshit, you loss all credibility because of your actions.

Like I said, my intelligence will NOT be insulted. Do I realize how serious things are over there…yes. The real question is do you? You use your cousin’s situation to attempt to make me feel guilty about your absence when clearly you had plenty of time to contact me, unless online chess is “more important things to deal with” than giving me an update on what’s going on in Texas…
…but I digress.

And finally, thanks for the rope…I used it to pull myself ashore, since apparently I was swimming in a sea of your bullshit. Do I think you’re a nice guy, absolutely without a doubt once of the nicest guys I’ve met. Do I think that given the change we could have had a great relationship, of course I do. Do I think that it will ever happen…absolutely not.

Case in point: “you are so not ready for a relationship and you are so not ready to be with a guy of my state. I am way above and beyond you because i care about what goes on in people lives. you care about wat suits you. (Hence, suit yourself”) I was upset about somethings but im over it because i dont think that you had any good intentions”

No man who has my best interest at heart would ever say something like that to me. If that’s how you really feel about me then enough has been said on both parts…and yes you can blame my pride for this. I called you a dick as opposed to an ass b/c you were acting like one, but I never once said that you weren’t on my level and didn’t possess the mental capacity to accept what I have to give.

You see how that sounds…yeah, not nice.

Oh and btw, I’m a single mother so surprising me with an impromptu trip is sweet in thought, but inconsiderate in nature…especially since “we haven’t even met yet.” I’m a planner, I told you this before…my days and nights are mapped out from sunrise to sunset. My weekends are full, unless I set time aside and make other arrangements. I don’t have the luxury of impromptu visits to town, and as a father one would think you could understand that…but I guess not. If my words seem cold it’s because they are…I am tired. I am so tired of trying to be better, when everyone else chooses to just be themselves.

I think I’ll pass on the “friendship” because clearly “call if you ever need me” really means that you will answer whenever as “a grown man” you feel the need to.

And in closing, “i think i loved you enough writing all this….. trying to explain…. but it does me no justice.”

And this is why I prefer conversation over texting, it often times leads to unnecessary ugliness…

…and just know that I didn’t want it to happen like this…but i’m sure you understand that.

Take care.