I woke in a panic tonight wanting to find my old blog still here…all of the tears, all of the heartache, all of the effort…I needed to find it still here.  I needed to see the words that bore my new beginning.  I needed to know that it was not all in vain…that lessons were learned, that evolution was present.

That change was on the horizon.

To my disappointment…it is gone.

There was one post in particular that stood out to me, and I wanted it back…I poured my soul into those words, and now they are gone forever, never to be recreated or duplicated…only an excerpt remains:

Erykah Badu is now crooning in the background…”I’m an Orange Moon…reflecting the light of the sun.” I think of last night’s conversation with Intel, but the beginning of tonight’s is what has affected me. A new friend of mine….”his light was too bright so they turned away and he stood alone, every night and every day. Then he turned to me…he saw his reflection in me and he smiled at me…when he turned to me then he said to me…”

Intel: I know the feeling. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it.
Me: tell me about it…sometimes you just want to give up.
Intel: yeah…I had to make that decision today since once it was over she would go her way and I would go mine…i mean nothing will come from it, so why bother.
Me: don’t i know the feeling…

Shuffle.

——————————–

That is all that is left of my bleeding heart.  I wrote that post while listening to my Ipod on Shuffle…and now my life seems to be following suit.

On constant Shuffle.

Erykah crooning once again in the background….”And when I look in your eyes and know that you were meant to be my soldier…baby come on and be my soldier, I need you desperately…I’m in love with you, in love with you…And I tried”

Boy did I ever.

I have been trying for as long as I can remember.

When will it no longer be my burden to bare?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?

Next.

“Bag lady you gon hurt your back…dragging all those bags like that.  I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to is you…is you…is you.  One day all dem bags gon get in your way”  The weight of my past is heavy on my back, heavy on my heart and heavy on my soul.  “…so pack light”   And how do you suppose I do that?  How do you suppose I forget everything I’ve been through and remove it from my heart.  How do I move on without the baggage that I’ve shouldered long enough for it to feel like a limb, an extension of my being, a shelter for the disappointment, a harborer of hurt. “Bag lady…let it go, let it go, let it go.”  I’m trying.

Skip.

“My eyes are green cause I eat alot of vegetables…it don’t have nothing to do with your new friend.”  He once said to me, that he saw something in her that he honestly never saw in me.  And in the same breath he says that he loves me.  He leaves, he comes back, he declares his love again.  This time it will be different.  This time he’ll make it right.  I am his rock and he needs me.  “I don’t care, I swear…I’m too through with you…I am, you don’t mean nothing to me, so go ahead and be with your friend”  But I’m his rock and he needs me.  “I’m insecure but I can’t help it…my mind says move on, but my heart… “  My heart won’t let go.

Shuffle.

A sweet gentle voice enters my soul, “love ones left me cold and grey…I had almost reached heaven just to feel it slip away.”   And it hurts, it burns, it aches and it WILL NOT STOP.  Just as I think I am healed, that I am ready to forge forward, to start my life anew…I am pulled back in, “I wanna be loved…faithful and true, I wanna be loved…ten billion lifetimes with you…and after all I’ve been through.”  Can my heart take another chance on you?  Should my heart give into the desire.  When I see my future you are in it…”so put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight…so that we may find love.”  You are undeserving of my desires, you consume my thoughts with the vacancy of your intentions.

Skip.

Repeat.

Shuffle.

Next.

Repeat.

Shuffle.

Next.

My life in constant motion.

Skip.

A hummingbird enters the room and covers my confusion, “Tried for so long…to hold on, but you won’t belong, to anyone, anything, any love at all.”  I gave everything I had in me, I did everything I was supposed to…and you pushed me at every turn “but I tried to stick you by you.”  I have moved on, I can not make you come to me, to your home, to your family.  I’ve done that I can do “you had the greatest love of your life, but you didn’t treat it right.”  I tried for so long, it is no longer my burden to bare.

Next.

Chopped and Screwed to perfection…our lives intertwine in a rhythmless motion.

“Can we wait just a minute, slow it down for a minute now baby.” And then he enters into my life.  Free, beautiful, he is love.  He is all things love.  When he looks into my eyes I see his adoration, I see his hesitation, but he marches on because he is me and I am love and together we are…simply beautiful.  “I propose that we go to the floor, and we slow dance.”  Because I want this to be right.  I need for this one to be done right.  The rhythm of our hearts need to be in sync for our dance to be sweet.  His touch, his laugh, his heart…”I love it, I love it, I love it…when we’re slow dancing together.”

Take my hand and slow dance with me baby.

I choose you.