She Said…

Ok.

Yep that was my simple response to his message.  I was LIVID and responding when I’m mad is something that I’m learning to avoid at all costs…you all have seem my rage in action, so I’m progressing.  To his reply: Also know that i didn’t want this….but i’m sure you understand that..

About an hour goes by and I feel the need to rebuttle his message, can’t have him living in dillusions…yes, my pride is still alive and well…AS IS HIS…let the pride wars continue:

Me: It’s clear that you put a lot of energy into this message and I will respect it with an appropriate response later tonight when things settle down and I can objectively respond w/o anger.

Him: however you want to respond is fine with me. i just wanted a chance to explain myself… i never got the chance to, because you cut me off this morning completely. but i will say that now that all this has happend and you made your decision, i have moved on from that… i encourage you not to respond if nothing is going to change between us. it will only make things worse as far as proving your point. I see us right now as nothing because of todays text. If nothing is going to change then i encourage you to reconsider a rubuttal at this point. It will not help situaitons because you know i will not aruge with you. However, to me all feelings are valid. if you feel as though you need to get this off your chest and your wingan (no disrespect to him) cannot help you through this or one of your best friends, then go ahead and say what need to say. i will listen. but be wise…..

Me: What’s funny is that you didn’t respond to change things between us, nor did you go to your friends to get it off of your chest. Just as you saw this from your point of view, I see it from mine and I will explain just as you saw fit to explain. You have repeatedly stated that you have moved on so I will not challenge those feelings in my response, but just as you “helped” me (laughable btw)…I feel that I must “help” you.

As for me “being wise”…to that I say whatever.  (who the hell do these naggas think they are!!)

Him: again…. i dont’ need help honey… your advise i would consider… as far as friends, this was too easy for me, i didn’t need to consult…. yes you made a decison to be done with me with out consulting me only through a text… so i don’t see anything changing….i just see a pattern of where this is going with you. but it don’t matter what i say cause you dont listen to me…. you never did… only if you agreed. so go ahead… write, say what you want…. i have to choice cause i cannot stop you…

Me: Since you’re clearly not interested in what I have to say then I’ll do as you say(you see how chauvenist that sounds) and not respond. Take care mister.

Him: only if it’s beneficial to change… or something you need to tell me…that’s it… don’t have selective hearing… but ok… it’s still up to you…

So he wants to know how I really feel…here goes:

Let me first preface this by saying that you didn’t “help” me with anything I didn’t already know…as a matter of fact, I told you. I recall a conversation last week when you asked me to tell you something about myself that I wanted to change. I then told you that I have a raging temper when provoked and that I can be impatient. I explained how those things had negatively affected my life and that I was working to change it…in my exact words, “I’m a work in progress”…to your reply, “We all are, but I appreciate your honestly, it means a lot. At least you know what your faults are and you’re trying to change them.”

I forewarned you that if I got upset I would rather cool down and come back to it once I gave it some time to breathe, which I did on Saturday afternoon. Like you said I ended the call; I did not hang up in your face or call you names, I politely and with matter of fact said, “I think we should end the call here, I’ll call you later okay,” but this was the FIRST time that we ended a call abruptly, so I have no idea what you’re talking about regarding “you have done that alot with me.” Our calls normally ended when I needed to go to sleep or get some work done or vice versa with you, never pending an argument…but anywhoo, clearly you felt otherwise.

Secondly, I don’t ONLY know what you tell me…in fact, I also know what you SHOW me. And you have no doubt shown me what a wonderful man you can be…but I also got a glimpse of the worst of you as well. Your pride is the reason you didn’t take my calls Saturday night…I mean how dare I end a phone call with you, right…who do I think I am…you’ll show me that it’s not all about me, that I “dont always have to be in the spotlight” that you “dont’ move everytime you tell me to move. I am a grown man.” Side note: It does not sound like you were talking to me right there, carry baggage much? I am NOT your ex-wife.

But back to the issue at hand, I called you several times thinking that something was wrong with your cousin which is why I text you asking if everything was ok, and everything was ok. I gave you the benefit of the doubt Saturday night, but really you were chilling and just not wanting to talk to me. You responded to my text in a matter of seconds, and I felt insulted, so excuse me if I was a little snippy. You stated that you weren’t ignoring me and used the bogus excuse of me being out which you did not know about until I stated so in my text…but as you brushed off my concern I simply replied with “yeah ok” and then “whatever” but your PRIDE wouldn’t let you end it there. You were going to end this conversation on your terms, instead of just acknowledging that you were upset from earlier in the day and that you were in fact ignoring me…which only upset me more.

“Screw you” is the watered down version of what I would have said a month ago…progress is being made, but you came back with a vengeance like I was one of your children…”We‘re done here!”…only to be followed later with “everything I ask from u, u didn’t do”…do you mean everything you TOLD me to do? Again carry baggage much? Saturday night ends horribly, I followed up on Facebook to actually apologize…things had gotten out of hand I was feeling bad, but you didn’t respond to my IM, and I waited for longer than 3 minutes…I logged off and went to sleep.

The next morning I was crushed and decided to give you some time to calm down, so I didn’t contact you. I assumed that later in the day you would contact me when you were ready and we would discuss how horribly wrong things went, but you didn’t…at all. Later in the day I saw that you were on Facebook going back and forth about the weather and then about beating a friend of yours in chess…and I knew then that you just didn’t want to talk to me. If you were really willing to explain why you were distant, you would have sent me a text earlier in the day or a fb msg explaining such…but you didn’t b/c you didn’t want to. Things were so dire with your cousin, yet you had time to discuss the 105 degree weather, play online chess with your friend, gloat on facebook, do a little homework and promise to play another game with him in 15 minutes when you logged out of your class module…so spare me the woe is me, my family is suffering bullshit, you loss all credibility because of your actions.

Like I said, my intelligence will NOT be insulted. Do I realize how serious things are over there…yes. The real question is do you? You use your cousin’s situation to attempt to make me feel guilty about your absence when clearly you had plenty of time to contact me, unless online chess is “more important things to deal with” than giving me an update on what’s going on in Texas…
…but I digress.

And finally, thanks for the rope…I used it to pull myself ashore, since apparently I was swimming in a sea of your bullshit. Do I think you’re a nice guy, absolutely without a doubt once of the nicest guys I’ve met. Do I think that given the change we could have had a great relationship, of course I do. Do I think that it will ever happen…absolutely not.

Case in point: “you are so not ready for a relationship and you are so not ready to be with a guy of my state. I am way above and beyond you because i care about what goes on in people lives. you care about wat suits you. (Hence, suit yourself”) I was upset about somethings but im over it because i dont think that you had any good intentions”

No man who has my best interest at heart would ever say something like that to me. If that’s how you really feel about me then enough has been said on both parts…and yes you can blame my pride for this. I called you a dick as opposed to an ass b/c you were acting like one, but I never once said that you weren’t on my level and didn’t possess the mental capacity to accept what I have to give.

You see how that sounds…yeah, not nice.

Oh and btw, I’m a single mother so surprising me with an impromptu trip is sweet in thought, but inconsiderate in nature…especially since “we haven’t even met yet.” I’m a planner, I told you this before…my days and nights are mapped out from sunrise to sunset. My weekends are full, unless I set time aside and make other arrangements. I don’t have the luxury of impromptu visits to town, and as a father one would think you could understand that…but I guess not. If my words seem cold it’s because they are…I am tired. I am so tired of trying to be better, when everyone else chooses to just be themselves.

I think I’ll pass on the “friendship” because clearly “call if you ever need me” really means that you will answer whenever as “a grown man” you feel the need to.

And in closing, “i think i loved you enough writing all this….. trying to explain…. but it does me no justice.”

And this is why I prefer conversation over texting, it often times leads to unnecessary ugliness…

…and just know that I didn’t want it to happen like this…but i’m sure you understand that.

Take care.

He Said…

 

I’m sitting at home bothered by his ability to just let it all go.  Now I know this may seem odd to some, especially coming from me…but we really had something special…different…not sure what it was, but it was definitely something worth exploring.

So I called him…

No answer. Two minutes later I sent him a text.

Me: I can’t believe you could just cut me off like that.
Him: I been at the hospital most of my day…I’m leaving now on my way to the store…I didn’t cut u off.
Me: All day…please don’t insult my intelligence. (Clearly I should have been more clear, b/c I was referring to his not cutting me off, not the hospital)
Him: No not all day. I said most of my day…my laptop was with me…hospitals do have internet ya know…but what good is it for me to say or to explain if ur “intel” has u thinking against what I say?
Me: I don’t doubt u were at the hospital most of the day…u know what, nevermind…clearly you’re still feeling hostile towards me.

At this point I stop. He doesn’t respond…45 minutes later I turn my phone off. There is nothing left to be said and if he doesn’t call or respond I’m going to be devastated so turning the phone off was an opt for the possible disappointment.

I don’t understand what happened. I know I got snippy but come on, was all of that really necessary.

I wake up the next morning at 6am full of disappointment and a few texts from Pre-Med and another from Duval(we’ll get to him later),

Pre-Med: I’m at the grocery store…again the intel thing not good. I didn’t feel like going there with u last night. Then u continued on facebook…everything I ask from u, u didn’t do. I don’t want to go there again tonight. If it happens I will take care of it tomorrow…

I didn’t get these texts b/c I was sleep…otherwise he may have gotten the “fuck you” from me this time…I mean what about my feelings?!? You don’t take my calls b/c you’re mad that I got off the phone to AVOID a petty argument…but you respond to my text message with a vengence and then you don’t contact me all day but your facebooking to your heart’s content about nonsense.

And then I snapped…thanks to my pride that is…and realizing how much I’ve been willing to alter my life for these men who get mad b/c I don’t follow their every order and don’t beat to their drum and can put me down and pick me up when they’re ready I snapped. I sent him a text at 6:25am

Me: I am so tired of men thinking that I have to do what they want me to do when they want me to do it…what about my feelings, what about what I want or need…and then u ignore me and don’t call me. Let me guess, u’ll talk to me when ur ready right. Ur just like him(BD), SELFISH. U may be a nicer version but at ur core ur the same(sidenote: they share the same bday, EXACT same age, which was a concern that i let him know about when i found out to my disbelief)…and I’m good on that shit.

And in 3-2-1…Pride enters stage left.

Me: I’m not gonna sit over here hurt b/c u don’t want to talk to me…forget that. Have a nice life, I’m over it and you…besides having one of you is enough.

I deleted his number and removed him from my facebook…but it still hurt…life goes on though…right?!?

At 1:56pm I get a facebook message from him entitled: This is a freaking essay but I wrote this so you can get a clear understanding…here goes:

It is obvious that you do not have any patience at all. i just got your text and i just woke up from a long night. We will start two nights ago.

The other night while talking to you. you got a little irritated with me for your own reason and you hung up with me. I have notice that in you. You have done that alot with me and we only been speaking no less than 10 days. That night you called out of my name too many times so i decided that that night is not a good night to talk to you because i was very much up set. You actually hurt my feel to small degree. You never used the word “sorry” at all. I asked you, can we finish this the next day. i was gonna talk to you about it. i was going to tell you don’t ever talk to me the way you did. I don’t do the dicks and screw me’s. that is not lady like nor is it a way to talk to someone, well someone like me. Instead of giving me any time, i could have easily ignored you that night but i ended texting you the entire night. so no one ignored you. On facebook you sent me an im and you signed off before i could respond. you immed me for three minutes while i was logged on to class. Your last words were suit yourself. that made feel another type of way. as if i was the dumbest nigga on earth for not talking to you when you tell me to. Again no patience.

The next day my cousin wasn’t doing to well, we had to go to the hospital. pray all day over her and just comfort her until the doctors came and. they are keeping her another three days so far as we no if the treatment don’t work. I had my labtop with me there. you were not on facebook at all. I could have explained why i was non responsive all day. But you dont see that i’m dealing with a family crisis and how that makes me feel. All you see is , he’s ignoring me and he just sitting around doing nothing. I was at that hospital all day making sure shit went right with my cousin. this aint about you and me. I had more important things to deal with. You are making this about you. But at the moment it wasn’t. by the time we actually went to the grocery store imming you walking around with crap in my hand trying to text you. I never ignored not yesterday or the day before…we communicated through phone texts. So to sit here and say i ignored you the only thing i ignored was the phone calls because i was unable to answer them…. but you dont’ see that because you think i am insulting your intelligence. What youre really saying is that you don’t trust me or my words.

To be smart you have very bad judgment in men. You only know what i tell you. I call you and talk to you every day for hours at a time. then when i’m off the phone i facebook you, i text you. We spend all day talking, texting, facebooking. One day goes by because of my family is so emotional about their mom with MS and she may go blind depending on treatment don’t work. Not to mention if the legions get worse with time she could possibility die. The doctor is telling us all this and here you not worried about me, or my situation. You are worried about immature shit like I don’t talk to you all day.

I shared with you my deep feelings about all the of all of it there was no genuine consideration at all. And your calling me selfish when we talk and text all dam day. ( I keep saying that for some reason.) You have no patience to let me deal with more important things at the moment. What happened if we were to get married or if I went to med school and eight or nine hours go by and we done speak….or if a day goes by and we don’t speak because of our careers….what your gonna just end it all because im not baby feeding you…?

You just text me 630 in the morning thinking im going to respond to that crap your sending me. Oh wait this is gonna get better and better

you must know that i dont’ move everytime you tell me to move. I am a grown man. I do things in reason not to stroke or put your nookie in your mouth. Your last words were suit yourself. that made feel another way and my mouth is wide open in shock. I haven’t even met you in person yet. You have been completely overreacting and i see that you dont take any responsibility for your own actions or any accountability for your words. To compare me to other men and to your last few boyfriends is a shame because that tells me you were never really open for change. That explains your short patience in behavior. you wanted me to act a certain way, but i didn’t. so because you didn’t get your way you immediately accuse me like im acting like them.

Maybe your just acting like you. Did you ever think of that? Look at you and the relationships you been in. Have you ever considered that you have some shit with you. You barely know me and your “what northerern boys call set-trippin”.

you understand me so you say but claim im acting as if i am one of you ex’s. You are a tipcal case of not letting go of your past and bringing it to the future. you are so not ready for a relationship and you are so not ready to be with a guy of my state. I am way above and beyond you because i care about what goes on in people lives. you care about wat suits you. (Hence, suit yourself”) I was upset about somethings but im over it because i dont think that you had any good intentions. The funny part is that i never compared you to anyone i have ever dated.

To think i was purchasing a ticket, to think that i was going to surprise you next week, to think that i was beginning to like you, i just want to wait and see how thing played out. And it did, you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves or they will pull the person closer to them that gave them the rope. You just hung yourself by telling me its over when shit never really started…….

I will say this because i spent to much time helping you in this letter. I honestly dont think your happy at all…. i think it’s all a front. (think about that)…. If i were like any of your boyfriends, any of them or HIM who ever he is…. they must really had to be special to put up with someone who cannot control their emotions.. you dont always have to be in the spotlight sweatheart cause when you do that you expose yourself.

I wasn’t going anywhere. Read your texts from me. i was dealing with family crisis. im sorry if you feel i did anything too you. i seriously apologize, but you never gave me time to really talk to you. i wake up and your just done….. I could go on and continue this conversation but there is no need… i think i loved you enough writing all this….. trying to explain…. but it does me no justice.

i hope that what ever you desire to accomplish in life you wait for it… that way you value it when it comes, don’t do what you did with me… let me go because i wasn’t valued.

you have my number, im still your friend even if your not mines. call me if you ever need me. take care of yourself.

 ————

Clearly he needs to start proofreading…but that’s not my burden to bare…and after taking the day to think about it all, of course I have a response.

The Worst Sin of Them All…

PRIDE.

The last couple of days I’ve been out of it and a few of my friends have been asking me what happened, he and I were seemingly so happy, which I can’t deny it…we were, but something happened…the worst of us happened.

Of course you’re wondering how I’m just going to skip over the last 8 weeks and delve into my current situation…well honestly I’m too tired to relive it all at once, so you’ll get them as they come into relevance.

First off we’ll call him Pre-Med…he’s 29, cute, funny, smart, loving, strong, respectful…all these things.  We haven’t met in person though…who needs Eharmony when there’s Facebook.  He’s friends with one of blog fam Akua…we had a few exchanges on her page and he decided to request me as a friend.  It started out pretty casual, the conversations were good and began to pick up after the first few days.  Before we knew it were on the phone for hours at a time…and I do mean hours.

If we weren’t talking, we were texting or facebooking…it was cool.  He had been through a lot as a child, mother abandoned him as a child, dad went to prison when he was 8, step mom left and didn’t come home one day when he was 13, he took care of his 10yr old brother for a year before child services found out and put them in foster care.  And even in the face of adversity he always rose to the challenge.  He graduated from high school, won medals in sports, saved a girls life and was recognized by the city, went on to college, got a chic pregnant but she didn’t want to get married so he continued to be a steady father, a couple of years later got married at 22 to someone else and went to seminary school…but nothing in his life had been easy and the marriage was no different.  For all intents and purposes it didn’t work out…and after several attempts to make it work he finally left…with his 3 kids in tow.

Recently he decided to go back to school, he’s always wanted to become a doctor and didn’t want to put it off any longer…so now he’s taking pre-med classes.  About a month ago a family member called and told him that she had a ticket waiting on him to come to Texas, that for once someone should take care of him…that he wasn’t in it on his own…and he left PA behind for a fresh start at making a better future…he left the kids with their mothers.

So a couple of days ago, Saturday actually we were talking like we normally do when he said something that annoyed me…I don’t remember what it was, only that it compelled me enough to end the call at the moment.  I did not hang up in his face, I explained to him that I would talk to him later.  In a previous conversation I explained my temper and lack of patience and how I was working on them, and if I opted out of an argument it was a good thing and to not take offense…he appreciated my candor and said that he understood.

WHATEVER!!!!

So I get off the phone, this is early day around 3ish.  My friends decided to have an impromptu party at CeCe’s house so I called him around 8ish to give him the heads up. 

No answer.  It’s no big deal, he’ll call me back like he usually does.  Nope not this time.

I called him again at 10ish.

No answer.

Finally I called him at midnight…we were about to walk in the club and I was starting to get a little worrried because his cousin had been diagnosed with MS a day or two prior and everything was an emotional circus over there.

No answer.

So I texted him…and he responded within the minute:

Me: I hope everything is ok.
Him: I’m okay…what u doing?

I’m not going to front…I’M PISSED!! So he was ignoring me all that time, come on now are you kidding me?!?! I continue on…yes I could have just gone on with the conversation like nothing happened, like he hadn’t ignored my phone calls…but my pride wouldn’t let me…and as you will see his wouldn’t let him stop.

Me: Hanging with friends, glad to know that ur ok and just ignoring me. Have a good night.
Him: Wow. No ones ignoring you. U are out…so it was no need to be by the phone…continue to enjoy ur evening. Good night.

Ok so he didn’t know I was out until I responded to his text…I wasn’t out when I called and he didn’t answer.  Instead of him just fessing to the ignored calls he attempted to make it seem like my being out was the reason that we hadn’t talked…so bogus.

Me: Yeah ok
Him: Enjoy ur night. No need to go back and forth. Talk to you tomorrow. Drive safe.
Me: Whatever
Him: …..
Me: Like you said, no need to go back and forth…good night.
Him: Well I’m glad you finally listened.

He says that my not letting it go was the reason he got upset…but my “yeah ok” could have ended the night…his pride just wouldn’t allow me to have the last word and so it continued.

Me: screw you.
Him: Screw me? I would have thought u looked at me with more respect than that directive you just gave me. But I guess I’m wrong. U have an awesome night! We are done here. No need to continue this. We’re getting nowhere…Do me a favor and don’t respond back, that would make me feel better tonight…Good bye!

YEP you read right…throw in a couple of drinks(yes I was drinking) and this looked like he was ended our shortlived affair.
Me: Wow..ok. There’s so much I’d like to say, but clearly you’re overreacting and I’ll honor ur wishes and just leave you be.
Him: Actually you didn’t. U responded. Again. Goodnite.

MORE PRIDE!

Me: I don’t know what’s gotten into you but your being a freaking dick…but whatever…it was only a matter of time I guess.
Him:Ok now I’m a dick. Wow. It’s better for you to enjoy ur night than to waste a fowl mouth on me. Just try again later. As far as the “it’s only a matter of time.” It was ur time u were waiting on. I never had that time in mind…think about that before you respond…have a good one. I can’t do this tonight…I’m getting a headache.
Me: “We are done here. No need to continue this. We’re getting nowhere…”…didn’t know u felt that way.
Him: Ur calling me dicks…ur saying screw me…Yes after I hear something like that from you, you will get a response like that out of me. Ur right I don’t feel like this convo is getting anywhere…So yes I would like to stop this texting back and forth…it’s doing nothing positive…It’s why I said it an hour ago…So again please, I don’t want to do this tonight…good night.
Me: Like I said, I will honor ur wishes and leave u alone.

And that was the end of that.  That covered the span of about an hour…an hour later I went home and saw him online.  I wanted clarification so I IM’d him…no response…to my reply “suit yourself” and I logged out.

The next day I was hurt…I’m talking crush…our connection was so unbelievably great in just a couple of weeks…what the hell happened?!?!?

I figured I’d give him some time to think about how things transpired…that he would see that he was overreacting and text to test the waters, or even call…

NOTHING all day.

Now I know some would say that it was only a day…but actually we hadn’t spoken since 3pm the previous day except the night before to engage in text wars…previously we talked every day all day, using every form of communication available, so this was a blow.  I saw that he had been online for the past couple of hours going back and forth on his status messages, so clearly he had access to me if he wanted it.  I was hurt and I let it be known.  At 10ish I couldn’t take it anymore and called him…